Monday July 3, 2017
overheard on the 99
Kelsey can’t find her wallet for the third time today and the next person who walks through the door is going to hear about it. Loudly.
She’s late, as usual, and thinking of Type A Andrea who always tsk tsks tardiness as if she has zero human flaws. Maybe it’s not easy for everyone to be on time, Andrea. Maybe some of us are burying a deceased bunny rabbit or deciding to floss for the first time in a year!
Andrea never says anything to Kelsey but her disapproval is as present as that fucking mole next to her nose. Kelsey can tell when she’s misplacing things: money, keys, glasses, blame, when she starts digging at her own friends.Your mole is adorable, Andrea, everybody fucking knows that.
Sunday September 13, 2015
Jewish Fairy Tale Feasts
Tales retold by Jane Yolen
You will walk in the streets of your childhood, a stranger, and this will change how you think about yourself and where you orient the compass of home. You will have your wallet stolen out of your back pocket by a small boy in a red sweatshirt. You will regret having thought that he was cute and that he looked hungry. You will scour the guest room in your aunt and uncle’s house for this wallet, with all of your ID, with the photo-booth picture of you and JJ, with the coffee shop card where you’re two stamps away from a free latte. You will remember the boy, how close he came to you, and how you hadn’t purchased anything since then. You will think about how you thought he was
Sunday February 8, 2015
How to forget about yourself – A step-by-step guide
1. Don’t smile at yourself in the mirror. In fact, cover all your mirrors with newspaper.
2. Drink lots of water. No juice. No Limonata.
3. Tell your friends to refer to you as the colour of your eyes. I would be “Blue”. You would be “Brown”.
4. Race has nothing to do with it. (Just this once).
5. If you feel one of the following feelings, run yourself a bath, submerge your ears and sing Frère Jacques.
6. Leave your wallet on the bus.
7. Don’t cancel your credit cards.
8. Go to sleep.
9. Eat mostly canned foods.
10. Tell your lover a secret you’ve never told anyone but yourself.
11. Face them while you do it.
12. I know it seems counter-intuitive to forgetting yourself, but trust me on this one.
Thursday, January 10, 2013 at Sambuca Grill
But Sherry was a mess, so she couldn’t have seen into herself long enough to notice that she was wearing two mismatched shoes and had left the entire contents of her wallet on the fireplace mantle. Not the wallet, that she brought. But why she emptied it, please don’t ask. It was a big kerfuffle and Sherry wasn’t used to being this big of a mess. Her fireplace mantle has a lot of weird things on it, but we won’t get into that here.
She noticed first that she had absolutely zero money or plastic when she was simply trying to buy a taco cupcake. You don’t need to know what that is to know that you would want one. Sherry wanted one, and was half way consuming the beautiful mouth-treat (because she couldn’t wait), when she figured it out. She thought about her options: either a quick dine and dash, feign starting her period and promise to come back right away after she plugged up the hole, or let the waterworks begin. She (stupidly) ended up doing all three, in no particular order, and because, like I mentioned, she was a mess, and just opened her mouth and tear ducts and things started rolling around in the air. The man behind the counter was legitimately afraid for his life.