“Get used to me.” by Julia at her desk

Tuesday June 12, 2018
7:31pm
5 minutes
From a quote by Muhammad Ali

Thanks for the epiphany, timer.
I guess I’ll tell you about it?
Got only five minutes.
Better not f u c k i t u p.
Better not waste my time.
I haven’t impressed you.
I know this now, this very now.
I know it like it’s the first time.
I haven’t impressed you because I haven’t broken out of my skin.
You call me baby, call me potential in the same breath.
Hug my heart into beating the speed you believe in.
Lift me all the way over your head.
Step back to see where I will leap.
Watch where I will land.
If I’ll fly all the way there or if I’ll launch.
And then I sit back down on the easy steps.
And you have to get your hopes back down from the shelf you put them on.
I haven’t impressed you because I haven’t said yes to the sky.
Better not f.u.c.k.i.t.u.p.
All this wasted time.
All this almost decade for absolutely nothing.
Nothing new.
Nothing nothing.

“sky turned red then erased” by Julia on her couch


Thursday November 17, 2016
10:58pm
5 minutes
Penknife
Ellie Sawatsky


I wanted him to touch me on my thigh but he started talking to me right in the middle of me really wanting him to and then he turned me to stone. And I was lucky. Because I wouldn’t have really wanted to if he didn’t really want to but you can’t not want to…not to try a little. It was a passing moment. I don’t think the thigh would really get me afterall. I don’t know if anywhere would do the trick so I can’t be upset. I dont blame him. I am mostly lost on most days.

    “unable to” by Julia at Lindsay’s house


    Wednesday, March 30, 2016
    4:49pm
    5 minutes
    From an e-mail

    Can’t keep my head on straight it’s a spinning
    Got those blues again my heart’s a singing
    I have a lot of lists saying try me try this try that and I don’t know what I think or if I think or what to think about any of it
    Can’t keep my head on straight it’s a spinning
    Got those dark blues shades of green my heart’s a singing
    I said I would I said I wouldn’t I said I could but now I feel like I couldn’t
    Even if I tried
    Can’t keep my head on straight it’s loose and wobbling it’s a spinning
    Got those blueish blues those greenish hues my heart’s a singing
    Can’t cannot unable unstable
    Can’t cannot unable unable

    “You want to be just interested enough” by Julia at her kitchen table


    Monday March 17, 2014
    11:54pm
    5 minutes
    from an interview with Barbara Kingsolver

    Don’t let them hear you breathing or whimpering. I know you think it’ll help you establish a presence but it will only make things worse. They don’t want to think of you as a human being as bad as that sounds. They love knowing you can smile on cue no matter what’s going on inside. You can do that can’t you? Well the breathing thing is an obvious one..I mean, breathe, don’t die, but do it subtly. It’s got to go under the radar, completely undetected. And don’t cry because then you don’t look tough. And you can’t show any tears or they’ll eat you up. People don’t remember strength but they do remember weakness. That’s because they automatically start to assume you can’t handle even small situations. They think you’ll need handholding and they don’t want to hold anyone’s hands. If I were you I’d try not to sneeze either. I mean get that stuff out of your system before you walk into the room. And if you’re one of those people who get triggered by the light? Don’t open your eyes.

    “washroom of the bar” by Julia at Sambuca Grill


    Thursday February 27, 2014 at Sambuca Grill
    2:55pm
    5 minutes
    spiderwebshow.ca

    I go down, I slip down to the washroom of the bar so nobody notices me. So nobody realizes I’ve gone. I need some alone time and I can’t have that here with these people drinking these cocktails eating these dirty fingered bar nuts. I bring with me my flirty lipstick. I leave my phone in my purse hung over my chair. I don’t tell anyone to watch my stuff cause I don’t want anyone watching my anything. I go down, I slip down to the washroom of the bar so I can look at myself in the mirror and give my head a break. I need to see myself sometimes when I’m in a crowded place. When I’m so busy smiling and listening with my whole face that I don’t remember what I look like. I don’t remember what my soul looks like. I’ve got my flirty lipstick. I can hear the bass, I can hear the shriek laughter, the bartender breaking a second glass. I escape. I escape it all. I get into the washroom. The washroom of the bar and I want to stay here for a bit. I finally understand why they call it a ‘stall’.

    “glimpse of you” by Julia on her bed


    Wednesday, January 1, 2014
    3:40am
    5 minutes
    The New School for Drama brochure

    There you were, all a glimmer, all a shimmer in my mind
    I had kept you there, a prisoner, well beyond your time
    Where you slept among my ideas, and you danced across my thoughts
    You seemed very happy there
    I saw a glimpse of you in my patient words and I knew I needed you to stay
    You were making me better with each new and passing day
    I didn’t want to ask you out of fear you might say no
    Instead I packed your bags for you and refused to tell you where you were going
    You didn’t put up a fight, I suppose out of trust in me
    You agreed almost perfectly, with a proven loyalty
    I warned you with my body language that you might at times want to leave
    But that if you stuck it out, it might be worth the seconds or years it takes to fix me