“Calls of guilty thrown at me” by Sasha at her desk

Monday November 27, 2017
5 minutes
Cherry Wine

Mariah Carey makes me think about the Christmas that Ken dressed up as Santa and got wasted. Her Christmas album was playing, that must’ve been it. I don’t know what Ken was thinking. Dressing up was Dad’s thing. He found the suit when he was looking for tinsel in the garage and I guess he just couldn’t help himself. He was already starting to lose weight, so he wrapped a bungee cord around his waist as a belt to keep the pants up. Dad was a bit pissed, but he got over it and I think he actually was relieved that he didn’t have to sweat his balls off in that suit for four hours.

“Like when I need plumbing done” by Sasha on the couch at Bowmore

Friday, December 25, 2015
5 minutes
Russell Brand

I’m waiting for the nurse to call my name and I swear to God if I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown I would’ve bolted. I’m looking at a woman with an IV drip and then I’m looking at the guy coughing up a lung and then I’m looking at all the vacant faces who mirror mine. Waiting. “Franny Vince?” It’s a question like a roll call, like, when the teacher would take attendance before we sang the anthem. “Oh Canada, our home and native land!” I’m not trying to be funny, even, I’m just, like, I’m scared shitless. I’m scared shitless.


“Right this way.”

“Nice Santa Claus brooch.”

“My grandson made it.”

“He’s really good.”


“You dye your hair?”


“What brand?”

“My sister does it.”

“People and shopping” by Julia at Dreyfus Cafe in Clapton

Saturday January 10, 2015 at Dreyfus Cafe in Clapton 4:03pm 5 minutes from a map of London So one time my dad took us, my sister and brother, and I, you know, all three of us, to the mall and we were supposed to meet Santa and whatever. But there was this huge line so we were being huge brats, you know, all three of us, my brother and sister and I. So my dad’s like, nope, not dealing with spoiled rotten apple children, so he yells at us right there in the line for fucking no good Santa and everyone in the world stares at us like we’re animals in a cage or something, fighting each other with teeth and claws out.. And then my dad looks around like it’s the first time he realizes he’s awake that day, and he just starts to laugh. He throws his head back and cackles so hard that all three of us, my sister and brother and I, all start laughing too. Just howling. Losing it. And people are still looking at us like animals in a cage only this time we look like possessed creatures who love each other. When we stop laughing my dad says, let’s go take a sleigh ride instead! So we go and we end up having to wait in an even longer line…but this time with much more enthusiasm.

“he loved it when I forced him into seasonal costumes” by Sasha at Culprit Coffee

Friday December 12, 2014 at Culprit Coffee
5 minutes
from Minnie Driver’s Instagram feed

We’re making a Santa suit! We got all the fabric on sale at Fabricland! What a steal! Grandpa’s gonna wear it! And we don’t even need to get him a beard because he already has one! Mama’s sewing the pants and the jacket and I get to glue on the white fuzzy trim! Gramma doesn’t want to be Mrs. Claus so guess what?! I get to be! I’m going to wear Susie’s red dress and a Santa hat! And I’m going to wear red lipstick and my cozy slippers! Grandpa will sit on his comfy chair and I will hand out the present because I am his assistant! I even learned how to say your welcome in Spanish. “Gracias!”