“This report contains confidential information” by Julia on her couch

Saturday October 13, 2018
10:48pm
5 minutes
From the lab report

burn after reading
or it’s the kind of thing that will burn you
every top secret insight
every thought secret kept tight behind lined pages
the letters adressed to eyes that were never meant to read them
this is the kind of private you’ll wish you never craved quiet turned public rage
inside voice blasted on the hallway speakers arent’t you glad you came
but if anyone should see it it’s you
if anyone should know me

“It depends how aware you are.” By Sasha in her bed


Saturday August 19, 2017
3:51pm
5 minutes
Lennon on Lennon
edited by Jeff Burger


He comes home raging
his eyes are round open
he’s not sure what the point is
in doing what he’s doing

I’m questioning everything
where I come from
where I’m going
what I do and what’s the meaning

Four thousand strong
gathered twelve blocks away
give or take
take or give

I nurse a neck that’s twisted
wrecked and tense
with warmth and lemon
with ice and tv

“capacity for self-control.” by Julia at her desk


Sunday June 11, 2017
8:17pm
5 minutes
From an interview with Maia Szalavitz in The Sun

In the space between two o’clock and safe and sound, the ideal smell of me is masked in cream cheese smeared eyebrows. The baby I thought would be sweet is bigger and more violent than I want her to be. The other one, thank god for him.
Who says you are what you eat?
Am I nothing today and yesterday?
Am I impatience and knotted hair?
She says help yourself to the fruit in the fridge or the yogurt. Says this is the most rested she’s felt in a long time. I am supposed to be generous and glad to help out a woman who didn’t mean to be a mother.
Instead I want to rip her precious book in two;
remind her there is also only one of me.

“he can sound like the rain” by Julia on her apartment’s lawn


Friday May 26, 2017
10:46pm
5 minutes
Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?
Dr. Seuss


there wasn’t any rain but I swear that I heard it
he’s been known to sound like thunder storm;
like flood
I’ve learned to expect his water
but not all learning is love

on days when he is clear skies,
and sunglasses,
and still,
I believe him to be the calm before
and the calm before
is never
calm at all,
is it

“Let’s roll, babycakes” by Julia at her dining table


Thursday April 14, 2016
11:52pm
5 minutes
overheard on Arbutus

I want you to beg me to stay when I tell you I’ll be sleeping at my mother’s place tonight. I want you to get on your knees and apologize for being a dick so I can forgive you and then apologize for being a dick back to you. I’m angry but I won’t be later but I don’t know how to turn this thing around before later is later. I feel like I’ve pushed all your buttons and there’s no easy rewind let’s pretend that never happened one to press. Why don’t you come with one like that? I am at the door with my overnight bag and I want you to throw me a banana if you’re not going to try to keep me from going. Let me know you still care about my potassium intake even when we’re hating each other. Even when you’re secretly glad that I won’t be sleeping beside you tonight to remind you of this stupid fight we both engaged in when we were both enraged about the thing we won’t remember in the morning.

“always easier to leave it at home” By Julia at The Vancouver Public Library


Tuesday February 23, 2016 at the VPL
6:49pm
5 minutes
abeautifulmess.com

Been fucking trying to leave it at home. Been fucking trying not to swear anymore either but as you can see, things have been a little bit rough these days. My asshole of a manager has decided that not only are we no longer allowed on our phones during work hours, but now we have to write a fucking positive message about the “team” each night before AND AFTER our shift. FUCK. How do you not swear when your life is a complete fucking joke? Tad, his fucking name is TAD. And Fucking TAD has so many fucking brilliant ideas for community building, such as embodying bullshit in the most unappealing human way this century has ever seen, or for making us walk through the back doors before we sign our lives away for 4-8 hours in a “light” and “baggage-free” way. Fucking Tad likes to tell me, “Leave your bad attitude at the door, Tegan, this place is a “frown-free” zone!” I want to fucking punch him with a fork. In the throat. Repeatedly. Until fucking forever and ever Amen.

“What is “beginner’s mind”?” By Sasha at the desk at Joe Creek


Tuesday, July 28, 2015
12:03pm
5 minutes
From a tweet by Shambhala Sun

I read a short memoir about a woman with stage four breast cancer and my throat swells with fear. I resent her for reminding me of my mortality. I wonder about where I carry extra weight, if I eat too much cheese, is it dangerous to live in a city? Where does my unexpressed rage live? Is it in my breasts? My liver? I’m destined for the same fate. Sickness lies dormant inside of me and will strike when I least expect. The summer of my wedding. When I am pregnant with my first child. During the premiere of my most successful play.

A hummingbird feasts from a hydrangea, slurping up her fill until she’s drunk, flying into the morning before I can reach for my camera. I drink coffee, now cool, the bitterness sour long after the swallow.

I weave a whole narrative before I’ve finished my fried egg on toast. I hate her, this beautiful bald writer, I love her, I wish she were closer and that I might know her phone number so that I can call and thank her for this late July, early morning meditation on death.

“Bitch better have my money” by Julia in a taxi


Wednesday, April 8, 2015
3:21pm
5 minutes
Better Have My Money
Rihanna


Went to the mailbox today. Noticed all my letters were soaked right through. Holes. I chalk it up to holes. I expect this shitbox house I am living in with its shitbox buzzing refrigerator and its shitbox screaming radiators and its shitbox location right beside not one but TWO railway tracks to also have a leaky shitbox mail collector. I have no more hopes for myself. I’m at what you would call, rock bottom. And no, though you think it might, it doesn’t feel good. Sorry I get sarcastic when I’ve slept for only 3 hours because my shitbox neighbours were up until sunrise playing a death metal rendition of The Itsy Bitsy Spider. I LOVE MY LIFE.

“It was probably so hard not to slap him” by Julia in Lozzola


Monday December 1, 2014
12:45am
5 minutes
A text from Katerina

Turned around with a fire in my face and I knew that if I did not leave in that exact moment I would be facing criminal charges for the rest of my life. I get like that sometimes. Blinded by rage. Can’t see straight. Impulse impulse impulse. It’s like a movie I’ve already seen is playing in the background of my mind, distracting the rest of my brain from figuring out what I’m about to do. It’s fuzzy, there are a lot of colours, but the moment right in front of me is clear. I’m not sure when it started. I was told to focus on my breathing by more than one person. My sister tries to send me links on how to deal with anger, how to channel my inner black cloud, how not to kill a man who has accidentally brushed up against me at the supermarket while rifling through vine tomatoes.

“I’ve breathed the mountain air” by Julia on her couch


Tuesday, July 22, 2014
10:49pm
5 minutes
I’ve Been Everywhere
Hank Snow



I’ve been so angry. I have been, it’s been a mercury is rising sort of thing, and I swear, that if the real me doesn’t happen, I’ll be your worst nightmare. I’ve been that way. Blinded sight, twisted light, couldn’t write that way. Where the only thing that calms me is the fight, that way. I couldn’t control it, I wouldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t but I sold it. And it’s too late to try and get on its level just to scold it. It’s out of me and gone, the anger, the angry, the anger, the angry, the anger in me. That one we’ve seen. That thing I’ve been.

“I don’t understand why I sleep all day” by Sasha in her garden


Saturday June 28 2014
6:27pm
5 minutes
No Rain
Blind Melon


When I first met Bobby, we were at a party just off campus. He was tall and muscular and he smoked drum. We talked about not being from this city and what it was like to miss home. He kissed me by the shrubs and asked for my phone number. We dated, on and off, for three years. It was really good for the first year, okay the second year and by the third year I was running to my friend Tina’s place with bruises on my ribs and tears on my cheeks. Bobby grew up with three older brothers. They were ruthless with eachother – any time he’d speak about his childhood I would cringe. One night, I went into the den where Bobby was watching TV. I could see the fog over his head, rage was on it’s way. I looked at him and said, “I’m leaving you for two months. If you don’t get help in that time, I’m gone for good.” I packed a knapsack and went to stay with my mother. What Bobby didn’t know is that I was pregnant. When I got to my mother’s I slept all day for the first week. The second week, I roasted lots of vegetables and cried to my mother about the dream of happiness and health evaporating.

“HEALTHY LIFE” by Sasha in her bed.


Saturday January 11, 2014
11:43pm
5 minutes
from the floss threader package

Here’s the rundown of things you should know about Sally before you ever consider being friends with her. It’s crucial that you know. To avoid disappoints. To get the whole picture.
Sally likes her HEALTHY LIFE
Sally likes her CLEAN HAIR
Sally needs her PROTEIN BARS
Sally hates DUST
Sally makes PALEO PANCAKES
Sally goes to SPIN CLASS
Sally gives HANDMADE GIFTS FROM TEN THOUSAND VILLAGES
Sally feels guilty when she eats CAKE
Sally does NIA
Sally drinks GREEN JUICE
Sally takes her MULTIVITAMINS
Sally forgets about the FAIR TRADE CHOCOLATE IN HER CUPBOARD

Fucking Sally, man! I feel so bad for her I feel good for her. Good for her, with her HEALTHY LIFE. Good for her/bad for her. You know what I mean?

“it’s not my favourite thing to do” by Sasha at Capital Espresso


Tuesday December 10, 2013
5:18pm
5 minutes
overheard at Capital Espresso

You have a dolphin heart.
I see it when you’re sweeping the floor,
when the sun is rising across your forehead,
when you’re singing in the bathtub.
You have a dolphin heart.
I listen to it when you’re sleeping,
when you’re laughing,
when we’re in the mud of fatigue and rage.
You have a dolphin heart.
I hold it when you’re in need of a big salad,
when you yell instead of cry,
when you remember the time they were rough with you.
You have a dolphin heart.

“COLORED EMOTIONS” by Sasha on her couch


Monday, August 19, 2013
10:22pm
5 minutes
Night Moves record

I see the emotions
Before they arrive
I see the water break
Liquid yellow
Oozing magenta
Blue red green and fuchsia
Swirling like gasoline in water
Like food colouring in cream cheese icing
Moving like rainbows on the waterfall
Then they come
The things that allude us
The ones that shake fists
And curl toes
The flush of the cheek of your lover
In love
I want to kiss your anger
Right on the lips
Slipping tongue into rage into azure blue
I want to paint your sadness
With my paintbrush
My elbow
Smearing all the colours
Making the very best brown I can

“Calgary Boxing Club” (image dip) by Julia in her backyard


Saturday, June 29, 2013
3:46pm
5 minutes

20130701-003453.jpg

I want to take up boxing so when I hate you I can just hit something. Something hard like a punching bag, or your skull. Maybe the art of boxing is really all about getting a realistic hit in…realistically I’m not taking lessons so I can better hit an inanimate object, right? I don’t want to hate anyone but this feels like something I’d be good at. Something about agility and speed. Something about too much aggression to properly organize it all. I’ll be the one with the red gloves, just ready and calm, and not at all about to kill someone. That’s who I’ll be if I can choose. And when it gets really heated, I’ll just let go of all my instincts and restrictions and make a bloody man out of you. Or just a man. Or not a man, I don’t care. I’m going to get good at being angry. But in the meantime, I’m going to get good at punching the shit out of anyone who walks by me during my rage. I want to take up boxing so when I hate myself I can just hit something.