the fortifiers of human agency” by Julia in her bed

Tuesday March 27, 2018
5 minutes
On Being

Things may have escalated. My alarm clock now tells me how shitty I’m being for sleeping. Not sleeping in, but being tired. Labels as the chimes go off: don’t waste your potential! Get thee to the yoga mat! I should be thanking night me for trying to kick morning me in the ass for some good quality productivity but I do not listen to myself. I’m the only one who can fortify my own agency and yet, snooze, sorry, tomorrow. My mind craves structure and my body craves cuddles. Nobody wins here. Nobody wins, and somebody should since it’s all just me playing me against me playing me. Nothing is real! Getting up early is not real! Wishing I didn’t wonder where the hours go is not real!

“demonstrate power and courage” by Sasha on her porch

Tuesday August 16, 2016
5 minutes

You measure your self worth in productivity but don’t know it’s deadly til it kills you. You collapse in the produce isle of the big box store, tomatoes exploding out of your hands, cart overturning, head smashing on the concrete floor. It takes awhile for anyone to notice, faces down, stuffing heads of broccoli in plastic bags, reading lists off iPhones. You don’t die on impact, it takes a few minutes. You wonder whether or not Pete will be able to find the hidden folder on your desktop that contains your will. You never told him about it. You wonder who will undress and wash your body. You wonder how many people will come to the memorial.

“guest starring” by Julia on her couch

Thursday March 20, 2014
5 minutes
The opening credits of a TV show

Do you ever feel like you’re guest starring in your own life? I know that’s one of those loaded questions that make you think far more deeply about things. But I had this thought earlier this morning and I couldn’t shake it. I’m wondering if I am just passing through….
Makes me sound a bit like a ghost doesn’t it? I’m not saying I’m a ghost. Not even a little bit! Just gliding a bit above the ground of where my life is taking place. Kind of watching it from the outside with an understanding of the inside but without fully being able to get a handle on things. I feel like I’ve been paid to be present for one or two episodes of my life each day and then I’m free to do my own thing like sleep or procrastinate or complain. I’m not required to work that hard to maintain some semblance of consistency. Like the main cast does.

“The actor has to develop his body” by Julia at Sambuca Grill

Monday November 11, 2013 at Sambuca Grill
5 minutes
a quote from Stella Adler

Of course he would go to the gym at 4 in the morning! I mean, I know it’s not even open that early, but if it were, he’d be the type to beat every other person there. I don’t know how one can train oneself how to wake up every morning at the same time and do something good. I know when I wake up, I’m thinking about , and only thinking about (in order of importance) my morning shit, my English Muffin, toasted with half butter, half raspberry jam, my second morning shit, and then my shirt if it needs ironing that day. I don’t even think about my woman when I first wake up, and there goes my younger brother, Chad, outshining me with his good behavior, and probably fixing his girl a croissant and egg white omelet before she wakes up, and before he leaves for his cycling or running, or whatever else he thinks is possible at dawn.