Monday April 25, 2016
From a podcast
“I’m not gonna take it anymore,” you say and the record skips, you and it (Otis Redding) cousins on your mother’s side.
Elizabeth was so ashamed of her obese mother that she would make her meet her at the train seven blocks from school.
“I’m leaving for real,” you say and I wonder how many calories are in Marshmallow Fluff and if calories even matter at this point.
Elizabeth got her period before the rest of us, nipples chafing men’s V necks. She got excused from gym because of cramps.
You only want to eat eggplant dip and stale pita chips and frozen shrimp. You only want to see reruns of “Mad About You.”
Wednesday September 17, 2014 at Great Dane Coffee
Availiardi Dizionario Italiano-Inglese
You keep asking me what I wanna be for Halloween and I’m all, “It’s more than a month away! I have no idea!” And you’re all, “You should be a sexy lumberjack!” And I’m all, “What the fuck?”
Sometimes there’s nothing to say and we’re eating cereal and staring into our bowls like they are Crystal balls with all the answers.
“You should be a witch!”
Should I be offended by that, you guys??!
I’m sitting on the toilet, trying to dig my Diva Cup out of my cooch and it’s like a fucking terrible birdsong – “What do you want to be for Halloween?” Sung, by you, tone-deaf, to the tune of Nobody Solves A Problem Like Maria. I’m all, “What?!” And you’re all, “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens! Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens! Brown paper packages tied up with strings!” And I’m all, “Are these… costume ideas?! WTF!”
Saturday February 1, 2014 at The Holy Oak
The True Secret of Writing
I had just spent the day talking to Olivia about her juice cleanse and how she felt invigorated by life and her own body and the new colour of her urine. I was half listening to her go on about it and half just imagining her peeing every seven minutes as if the juice was speaking to her through her urethra. That’s literally where my mind went, so when she asked me how mine was going I just said, “so great!” She was like, “where is yours?” And she meant my juice. She said it as she was drinking back a goopey red thing that looked more like period blood than anything, and I waited before I answered to see if she’d get those “strawberry wings” on her mouth…
“I drank my morning one at home!” I told her. I lied. I always lied to Olivia. Truth is, I had eaten an egg and mushroom tuna melt on marble rye and I was so damn pleased with myself that I didn’t even feel bad for bailing on our “joint cleanse”. She looked at me from the corner of her eye and paused. A little red period burp escaped her wet lips. “Oops! Excuse me!” I suppose her juice was speaking through her again…