“the truth is” by Julia on B’s couch 

Wednesday August 29, 2018
1:03am
5 minutes
Close Encounters
Meg Torwl
 
I wish the inner me wasn’t so hurt. So confused. So left alone that I wasn’t able to summon some strength to say how I really felt about the whole thing. But behind the veil of this screen, the protection of “fiction” I can find some semblance of vindication. Thanks I’ll say. For inviting me to the party. Then for forgetting to tell me where the party is. Then for forgetting to welcome me. For forgetting to introduce yourself to me. Thanks for having me and not telling me I could eat. Thanks for having me and then leaving the room when I began to speak. Thanks for talking to your friends during the hard parts. Thanks for being more concerned with your phone. Thanks for blaming me for the guests staying too long. Thanks for forgetting to remind anyone I was there in the first place. Thanks for leaving me when I didn’t know how to find my way home.
And still none of this is the real truth. 

“your inner rock collecting childhood self” by Julia on L and J’s couch

Friday March 9, 2018
10:13pm
5 minutes
BUNZ Trading Zone

draw a set of bunny ears on the front and the poofy tail on the back
collect enough flat rocks to draw all animals
cat whiskers and ears on the front
tail on the back
horse braid on the front
tail on the back
you get the idea
the tail goes on the back whenever there is a tail
like a coin
but you won’t be flipping these
they’ll be too heavy
you can skip them if they’re flat
there is room for some funny jokes in there
(cats not really liking the water, for a first idea)
(you can lead a horse to water…)
you can also give these rocks away
as little parting gifts
or put them in the loot bags at your child’s brithday party
they’ll think they’re getting something
like a chocolate
or an eraser
but they will get to display it on their mantle
forver reminding them
(their parents)
that you had time for your kid and then some
who doesn’t want more time
who doesn’t need more time
maybe we’ve jumped ahead and you do not have kids yet
you’re still a kid yourself
you’re still so damn young
(sorry, darn)
scrawl the name of the boy you like on the front
and write your name on the back
throw it into the water
and make a wish
they always go into the water

“We are writing to confirm” by Julia on the 99

Tuesday November 21, 2017
8:59pm
5 minutes
from an email

YOU HAVE BEEN CORDIALLY INVITED TO SHARE IN THE NAMING CEREMONY OF OUR BABY!

(Please turn over)

Your attendance and your baby names are requested to attend the aforementioned event on Tuesday November 21, 2017 at 8:59pm, located at the fountain (you’ll know it by the baby lights, can’t miss em).

We ask that in lieu of monetary gifts, you and your guest please bring three names you would like to see our baby be called. Points for creativity and uniqueness will be awarded! Cemeteries are great places to get baby name inspiration-they’re not using them anymore so why not! Also, words in various languages that mean positive things will be most welcomed.

RSVP ASAP!

“It was a wild weekend” by Sasha at Casa Violeta

Friday, October 13, 2017
10:16pm
5 minutes
From cnn.com

It was a wild weekend, let me tell you. Alejandra and I went to that unmarked bar, the one that everyone’s been talking about, I mean who knows what the name actually is, not me. Not Ale. We ordered mojitos! They grind the sugarcane juice right there, right in front of you, it’s like, too cool. Ale was flirting pretty hard with the bartender and I was just kind of like, watching that. We drank a few drinks and then we started dancing and it was the best night, totally the best. Ale wanted to go after the bartender told her he’s married, she wanted to leave. I was not ready to leave, but whenever I’m ready to leave someplace and Ale isn’t she’s super nice about it and doesn’t make it seem like I’m being a granny or anything.

“quite desperate to escape all the people” by Julia on her couch


Saturday July 29, 2017
12:39am
5 minutes
The Humans
Matt Haig


Melissa throws a party for her sister by accident. She doesn’t mean to be in charge but she’s the most capable and everyone knows it. She tries to stay out of it and offer mild help here and there but ends up running the show with a forced smile and a couple stollen tokes. I feel bad that she gets stuck with all the planning. All the dark stuff. All the alone. Her parents don’t call her to ask about her health. They don’t wonder how she’s doing after finding out she needs surgery. They don’t wonder how she’s doing after going through surgery. Instead she’s the reliable one. The one everyone calls when they need to complain. Or throw a baby shower. Or pick up her nieces from dance camp. Melissa tries to be sweet for her sister. For her sister who doesn’t even care about being at the party thrown in her honour.
When I finally manage to get her alone I ask her. Why are you running? Where do you plan on going? Do you need any help?
She laughs in my face and tells me I’m her funniest cousin.

“super slinky.” by Julia at her desk


Sunday May 14, 2017
9:47pm
5 minutes
from the pack of guitar strings

Keaton brings home a box under his arm, covered by his coat,
he hopes for the sound of running
Daddy’s home, the moment they’ve all be waiting for
Dawn usually hears the car door and knows
Delia sometimes comes outside if Iris lets her
there is a silence where the noise should be
there is a box for the girls but there are no girls
for the box
Keaton calls out, Daddy’s home!
no one responds
Iris!
nothing
He sets down the box next to the broken floor lamp
Iris says if we don’t trip over it every
day we’ll never think to take it out
He walks slowly, the house creaking with empty
Iris?
a wash of dread pulls him under
he doesn’t know what to do
Suddenly the peep peep of a toddler unable to keep
a secret
another laugh, then
SURPRISE!!
Happy Birthday Daddy!

“Chickpeas / tahini” by Julia on her couch


Monday May 1, 2017
11:06pm
5 minutes
from a grocery list

in the event of me being put
in charge to host a dinner
party
I would air on the side of
Italian
garnish with
basil
everywhere
tomato
garlic/bread
The music would be chosen with
more stress than should
accompany
a fun night
with friends
eventually confident
Golden Oldies
no one can hate the Golden fucking Oldies
and if they arrive early
(and they always do)
there will be a cheese based
plate or chips, or dips, or good
conversation, until
the food I mistimed
is ready to be served
All Oldies All The Time

“the new thing in us” By Julia at Bean Around The World


Thursday July 28, 2016 at BATW
7:10am
5 minutes
Letters To A Young Poet
Rainer Maria Rilke


She hopped to her seat at the back of the aircraft and chuckled to herself as she heard the voice in her head refer to it as an aircraft. A craft that belongs in the air, she thought, how magical. Someone thought this thing up and then built a bunch of Popsicle stick models out of it before building the real thing.
She was anxious to get home for her brother’s surprise 30th that her whole family was apparently gathering for. He was the one who invited her to it in the first place, but they were close and couldn’t keep secrets from each other. Her brother had found an envelope in the garbage that had the details on it. She was excited to get back to her life as she knew it best for a little while. Familiar streets and faces, going strawberry picking with the family, spending quality time with her dog.

“the way you would like them to appear” by Sasha on her couch


Tuesday March 22, 2016
11:43pm
5 minutes
On the artist program guide site

We met when I was damp with summer between
my temples the handlebars of my bike luring
in all the strays
We met when I drank too much tequila and ate
onion rings at the diner where the man promised
they weren’t fried in the same oil
as the chicken fingers
We met when I glued eyelashes to my lids even
though I’ve always gotten compliments on the
ones that are already there
We met when I was mixed up with things I
didn’t know the consequences of unsafe
sex in bathroom stalls and blowjobs on
counters of restaurants where you julienned
the perfect carrots

“that you already know and like.” By Julia at her dining table


Monday February 22, 2016
9:11pm
5 minutes
gnoosic.com

I am having a party
putting up balloons
decorating the whole house with streamers
and pictures
to celebrate the journey
to congratulate for not giving up
giving away loot bags at the end of the night
filled with moments of strength
examples of accepting imperfection
honesty
some vulnerability tossed in for good measure
I am inviting all my past selves
Like a reunion
But better
I will tell them
DRESS CODE IN EFFECT
And they will show up
wearing their sorrys
and their lessons
on their sleeves
carrying abundance and respect
in each jean pocket
I am saying farewell to fear
Sending her off on vacation
Killing three birds with one stone
honouring growth
A goodbye party for that which no longer serves me
And a good excuse to celebrate
Because the hill was high
but I’ve climbed it

“winexpert” By Julia on her couch


Saturday December 12, 2015
11:58pm
5 minutes
from a wine cork

Shari was very excited about her work’s Christmas party. Last year Abigail Hayes won a gift card to the Wine Rack and everyone tried to steal it or trade the ones they got for hers. Shari received a ticket to Cineplex Odeon as her Secret Santa gift but she had the idea to quickly hide it in her sleeve so when everyone crowded around to see what Shari’s gift was, she showed them an empty card and everyone felt so bad for her that they all started offering her their gifts. The only thing Shari wanted was Abigail’s Wine Rack gift card, but she refused to give it to her because she said it wouldn’t be fair to all the other girls. This year Shari had drawn Abigail’s name and was going to return the Christmas spirit that Abigail bestowed upon her the year before. In her white leather purse, Shari had a card addressed to Abigail, but she didn’t include anything else inside it….

“I would like to invite you” by Julia at o5 Tea Bar


Friday October 9, 2015 at o5 Tea Bar
2:20pm
5 minutes
from an e-mail

Hi, how are you? Good? I’m good. I would like to invite you to something. An event. An important engagement. Not an engagement between two people who have agreed to get married. Not an agreed engagement. But one between two people and guess who those two people are? Me? And you? Yes. Both of us are invited to this engagement. Not that I want the two of us to be engaged, as in agreeing to marry. Not that I don’t, for the future, or for the possible future. But the two of us, are both invited to the something I am inviting you to and we will have alone time to discuss whatever we’d like, if you were concerned at all about what the allowances would be, and yes, if you so preferred, could discuss the topic of marriage or the topic of agreeing to marry someone, sometime, in some form or another. How are you? Good? I’m good. I’m very good. So I would like to invite you to a top secret meeting. It’s not in a top secret location, in fact, it’s a very obvious one. I don’t want to say it here because I prefer facts to metaphors, but it’s somewhere less factual and more feeling-based. I don’t know if you prefer facts to metaphors as well, but that is one of the reasons why I am inviting you to this one so you may be able to see for yourself if you do, in fact, have an opinion about it one way or another.

“submitting this entry” by Julia on her bed


Wednesday, July 22, 2015
2:04am
5 minutes
from the Standardized Patient website

I’m really upset because I shrunk my favourite yellow shorts in the dryer even though I was following the care instructions to a t. I read everything over, I made sure the temperatures we correct. And now when I wear them they don’t look like they did before. They look like the shorts you try to wear when you’re not sure of how to actually dress: you know they’re sort of right but they’re not working at all for your body type. They shouldn’t be this mangled now and I no longer have a bright pair of shorts to wear to Deanna’s birthday. She specifically requested bright bottoms and black tops and now I have to figure this out. I am always the one with the bright bottoms and black tops but tonight I’m gonna be the only idiot who doesn’t know how to do laundry! It’s so embarrassing. Deanna always look stylish and put together. I can’t show up to her themed birthday party with bottoms that don’t fit! They fit the colour criteria but the style is way off! So I am asking you, ambassadors for Forever 21, if you could do something about this ASAP. I read the instructions and followed them. Is this a manufacturers’ failure???

“Overthinking it” by Julia on Amanda’s couch


Sunday, June 21, 2015
2:10am
5 minutes
from a tweet

When Alana showed up everyone else had already taken their pill, or their half, or their second by that point. She was the only one who was seeing the world the way she was and she didn’t know if she wanted to even be there. Someone offered her some M and she took it in her hand but didn’t put it in her mouth. She wondered about leaving with the pill and doing it completely by herself so she could experiment with the environment and have access to recording devices. Alana couldn’t stop pre-planning and she was getting excited by all the possibilities of finding herself away from these people. Some guy with a bow tie danced past her and told her she looked exquisite in the moonlight. She smiled and said, “so do you”, and she meant it, but she wanted to mean it the way he did. She debated where that would best occur.

“a wonderful future beckoned and winked” by Sasha at her kitchen table


Thursday March 5, 2015
10:41pm
5 minutes
The Fig Tree
Sylvia Plath


Kimmy’s got new gold hoop earrings and she’s all “TRA LA LA”
Not the best speller nope nope but she’s got bling for days
“TRA LA LA”
Makes a mean tequila sunrise
Shake shake shakin’ it up
Until we’re turned inside out
And orange juice is the right way
Morning is the right way
Kimmy leaves a trail of cigarette butts with
coral lipstick kisses
“TRA LA LA LA”
Going down to Hollywood for pilot season
Gonna get a job in the movies
She’s got her leopard print tights
She’s got her striped bikini
She’s good to go
“TRA LA LA”

“I like chocolate!” by Sasha at Caffe W


Sunday February 15, 2015
2:10pm
5 minutes
overheard at Caffe W

I don’t want that shit. It’s nasty! It’s sticky and it slides around my mouth like it thinks it knows where it’s going but it DON’T. You’ve got that look like I’ve said something wrong but really I’m just trying to practice truthfulness, like that stinky yoga teacher talks about. Everyone makes such a big deal about chocolate but I do not get it. I really don’t! Maybe it’s a woman thing. I’m not an oppressor of women, or anything so don’t get the wrong idea, I just know what women do around chocolate and I’ve never seen a man do that. It’s borderline sexually erotic. Chocolate is. For women. Are you gonna finish that burrito? I would. I mean, if you’re not going to. Are you coming to Becca’s Mad Men party on Saturday? I haven’t decided yet… I mean, I like an excuse to wear a suit and tie, but I’m allergic to cats and Becca has three. It’s like, either I take the anti-histamines and pray to the allergy gods that they work or I…

“Why not join us?” by Sasha on the Queenstreetcar going East


Sunday December 21, 2014
10:12am
5 minutes
From an Arriva tube ad

WHY NOT JOIN US AT THE PARTY OF CENTURY / THERE’LL BE DANCING BOYS AND TINY DUCKS AND JUGGLING QUINTUPLETS / THERE’LL BE CHAMPAGNE AND GLUTEN FREE LAMB MOUSSAKA / THERE’LL BE THE BEST OF THE BEST AND THE HOT OF THE HOT AND THE COOL COOL COOL / THERE’LL BE SONGS THAT YOU DON’T KNOW AND WORDS THAT YOU DO KNOW / THERE’LL BE SWEARING (UH OH) / THERE’LL BE HIP TOUCHING (MM MM) / THERE’LL BE INUIT KISSES AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY AND UP AND DOWN AND ALL AROUND / THERE’LL BE ME AND YOU SLOW DANCING IN A ROOM LIT BY THE GLOW OF THE OTHER PARTY GOERS HEARTS / THERE’LL BE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF AND EVERYTHING TO REJOICE ABOUT / WHY NOT JOIN US AT THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY / IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW / ON THIS STREETCAR / IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW / ON THIS WAVE / IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW / WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT / TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT / THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY

“virtual environments” by Sasha at Higher Grounds


Tuesday December 9, 2014
3:14pm
5 minutes
from the MLA research guide

There was something sheer about her, opaque. She used her eyes like planets, orbiting the room, hoping for a shooting star. She nods and she plays tetras with the ice cubes in her glass. She’s praying for smoked salmon, under her breath, a sacred mantra that she only utters this time of year. “How are you?” “How’s Seattle?” “What’s the weather like there?” “Does it rain all the time?” “You changed your hair right… Is it darker?” She fades in and fades out, like the end of a song, like the clouds over the moon.

“These days it’s hard to get a decent haircut” by Sasha on her couch


Friday December 5, 2014
10:54pm
5 minutes
Kinfolk Volume 13

She’s so sweaty but she doesn’t want to take off her sweatshirt because it will bring too much attention. She’s only wearing a sports bra underneath. She tries to go back in. The bouncer, must be seven feet tall, three hundred pounds, “Nope… Can I see some ID?” “My coat’s inside, I’ve been inside, you let me in before.” “I don’t remember you…” “Are you kidding me? I’ve been dancing for hours, look at me!” “Call your friends and get them to bring you your coat and show me your ID.” “My friends left an hour ago…” “Well, shucks Princess, I don’t know what to tell you…” She starts to say something then stops herself. She gives him the finger. She goes around back to the alley.

“Handmade Robot” by Sasha at her kitchen table


Saturday November 29, 2014
11:32pm
5 minutes
from a pamphlet

Josiah made a tuna casserole for the potluck. He wasn’t sure if Tony was going to be there, but just in case, he used cornflakes. Do you know that secret? Cornflakes add crunch. He listened to Joan Baez and he turned the lights down low and he sang along –
The night they drove old Dixie down
And all the people were laughing
The night they drove old Dixie down

When he showed up at Clarke’s, the casserole was still steamy. He had to wear an oven mitt on the subway. A little girl sitting on her father’s lap beside him plugged her nose. The father blushed and when he and Josiah looked at one another they both said, “Sorry” at the same time.

“Pumpkins are awesome,” by Sasha on her couch


Friday October 31, 2014
6:52pm
5 minutes
from an e-mail

I was dancing. I was doing my own thing. My friends were somewhere else and I was owning the dance floor. Solo. A guy came up behind me and pulled my hips to his groin. I turned around and said, “No thank you!” and danced away. A guy came up behind me and pulled my hips to his groin. I turned around and said, “Please fuck off!” A different face. Same hands. Same aggression. I left the dance floor and on the way to the bathroom I felt a sob choke in my throat. I wasn’t entirely sure why but I knew it had something to do with me feeling like I couldn’t just dance, alone, without being grabbed. Outside the bathroom door and guy said to me, “You’re fucking hot. How many drinks would I need to buy you to suck my dick?” I burst into tears. Right there. Big ones, not little, sweet, cute ones. He made a few grunts and walked away. I went into a bathroom stall, sat on the floor, and kept crying. A woman in the stall beside me, “Are you okay? You’re probably just too drunk, babe!” I wasn’t. I wasn’t drunk at all.

“Then we’d better be jolly, jolly sure” by Julia in Piazza del Francia


Thursday October 30, 2014
4:18pm
5 minutes
On Directing Film
David Mamet


Oh it had better be the best damn cake this side of the Atlantic has ever freaking seen! I don’t care if you have to call in that favour from your aunt Vanda that you said you never wanted to do. I get it. I don’t want you to either. But if you don’t find some way to make sure our son has the best damn cake in 1 year old birthday party history, I will make sure you never see the end of aunt Vanda and her favours! Am I making myself clear?! It needs the secret layer with the prize inside and it needs to be a surprise so we all can have a magical photo moment. Do not ruin this for me. I mean for him. You think he won’t even remember this but you’re dead wrong. Haven’t you ever heard of post traumatic stress??? He’ll get that if you fuck this up!

“not responsible for loss, theft, damages” by Julia in the Poet’s Room


Saturday September 13, 2014
8:33am
5 minutes
A Schiaffini bus ticket

Of course we felt bad for guessing the wrong costume. Who doesn’t feel bad about that? Who doesn’t always wish at a Halloween party when asked to guess in the first place about an obscure costume or concept or poorly designed idea, that they’d just said, “I’m drawing a blank!” “I Can’t seem to put my finger on it…!'” The whole, “I’m so bad at these things” thing. We wished we’d been smart enough to fake it-quick enough to shove a devilled egg in our mouths and feign complete ignorance about the magnitude of it all. When Ry guessed an elephant, she almost started crying. She looked to me as if to salvage her image–one desperate hope in her eye so effective I couldn’t help but suggest an alternate. I said “Rhinoceros?” And I truly meant it as a question because I had no idea either and I was already surprised I was even there in the first place. Her eyes welled up-her skin flushed-and she started to wail in a way that made me regret even pushing through my mother’s birth canal 40 years ago.

“you have been invited” by Julia on her couch


Monday Aug 11, 2014
12:05am
5 minutes
from an e-mail

It’s my going away party, okay? It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, and nobody was supposed to get upset or say goodbye at all. I didn’t want to have to tell you. I know it sounds stupid, how was I supposed to pull that one off, right? How was I supposed to take off in the middle of the night without a trace and never hug my best friend again. Well in my defence I would have probably told you right after the party. I just wanted to have one last good night where it’s not clouded by anything. I mean, I would have it hanging over my head, of course, and I just thought, yeah but I’m a good actress; I can fake that nothing is wrong better than anyone. But I didn’t want anything to be different. I’m sorry that I did that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to say goodbye to you. I can’t picture starting a chapter without you in it.

“train service is suspended” by Sasha in her garden


Friday June 6, 2014
12:03pm
5 minutes
A tweet by the TTC

All I can hear, over and over again in my head is that automated voice… “Train service is suspended between Ossington and Dufferin with a passenger emergency onboard a train. Shuttle buses will be operating between – ” Are you okay? Are you going to be okay? All I can hear is the sound of my heart in my ears, in my throat, the pulsing. “Chloe? Chloe! Are you alright? Chloe!” We were just playing around. We were just… We went to the kegger at the Sorority that Vanessa’s sister was apart of. We didn’t know that… “Butt chug it! Butt chug it!!” There were guys there, too, you know. Not just… She’s a daredevil. I have that caution gene but she… doesn’t. I went into the walk-in closet with her and this sister there… or whatever you call it and… Half a box of wine went up her ass. Sorry. But that’s what happened. And the other girl was laughing and I was like, “Chloe? Chloe! Are you alright?” And she said that she was. She felt wasted but “all good”. We left about an hour later and I didn’t know that she went into the bathroom and did another… one. Then, when we got on the subway she blacked out and she fell and on her way down she smacked her face on the edge of a seat and it gave her a bloody nose and…

“a wise man” by Julia at the Holiday Inn in Charleston


Tuesday April 22, 2014
1:22am
5 minutes
A plaque beside a photograph

A wise man once told me to never drink vodka without a mixer, a chaser, a plan to get home, and parental supervision.
That wise man did tell me that when I was living under his roof, and after the first time my parents needed to lecture me about safe drinking. He was very nice about it. Thankfully. He was joking around thinking I had gotten enough punishment from the sheer fact that I woke up in somebody else’s clothes with part of my left tooth chipped, a busted nose, and a hangover to rival some of my university days. He was right. It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment. But neither was being 15 and not knowing what being drunk felt like. When you’re 15, even though your parents think you won’t be a problem, you have a bunch of stupid ideas and you scoop them all up in one handful and you make stupid choices. Then you suffer the consequences. And you live the rest of your life remembering how disappointed your mother was when you walked into the kitchen after realizing you couldn’t remember 80% of Lindsey’s party, and then remembering that your father was just slightly okay with giving that life lesson in such a capacity.

“can be eaten off paper plates” by Julia on her couch


Wednesday March 19, 2014
8:18pm
5 minutes
Kinfolk Issue Eleven

She tells me every time, “Linds, don’t worry so much, we’ll just by a whole wad of those styrofoam thingies–” and I say, “You mean plates, Mom?” And she says, “Yeah well whatever they are, you know what I mean.”
I say to her, “You know those ‘whatevers’ are not good for the environment, right?” And she just laughs and tells me, “We’ve gotten this far by using them, haven’t we!? Nobody’s quite died yet!” I am at the point in my life where all I want to do is host a proper dinner party without using paper anything. “Cloth napkins!” I remember, “Those are way better. Sophisticated.” She shrugs it off like I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, and I want to wring her neck a little bit and tell her that this is a dinner for some close family and not the end of the godforsaken world. “Linds, you’re just so hell-bent on proving how much better you are than everyone and I worry about that showing through. You don’t want to allante your dinner guests!” “Alienate, Mom. It’s alienate.”

“32 “_____” get this party started” by Sasha at the CSI Coffee Pub


Wednesday November 6, 2013
10:20am
5 minutes
Crossword from NOW Magazine
October 31-November 6, 2013


They’re clapping. They’re stomping. They’ve drunk enough to no longer be self-conscious. They’re too young to know less. To know better. Someone might take off their shirt soon, and then another and before you can say, “Oh my God!” everyone is half naked and sweating and moving. When she wakes up it’s morning. There’s drool on her pillow. There’s a track and field guy beside her, his freckles catching the sun. She holds her head. She sits up. She steps over five people, passed out on the floor. She makes her way to the bathroom just in time. She throws up. There’s a knock at the door, “Hurry up! I gotta piss!” She opens the cabinet and is thankful when there’s mouthwash there. She swishes and spits. She opens the door. She smiles.

“32 “_____” get this party started” by Julia at the CSI Coffee Pub


Wednesday November 6, 2013
10:20am
5 minutes
Crossword from NOW Magazine
October 31-November 6, 2013


Don’t! she yelped. Don’t get this party started! And then she threw her head back and just laughed and laughed.
Who wouldn’t want to get the party started? she said through laugh snorts that were both cute and annoying. No guys, I have an idea! Let’s keep this party from evolving! Ok?! Let’s keep this ‘get together’ a ‘get together’ before it turns into a party! Heaven forbid!
She rolled up her sleeves and started laughing again.
No! It’s the anti-party! It’s that super prudish guy who is hell bent on only having a casual hangout with maximum 6 people. 6 people is a get together–7 people is a party. And like, someone’s all, Oh, you know what would be fun? Let’s invite Roy! And the host in his brown turtleneck is like No! Don’t you get this party started, Matthew! I have some nature sounds I was going to play for you all.
She started laughing yet again, this time acting out the anal host with her arms outstretched like a zombie.

“Led Zeppelin” by Julia at her desk


Thursday, October 10, 2013
6:58pm
5 minutes
Overheard at Columbia University

You asked me if I was going to your birthday party. I didn’t want you to think that I was judging your idea or your theme. But I said no. Cause I didn’t have anything to wear. And I said no. Cause I didn’t want to show up wearing the wrong thing. You said everyone knows Led Zeppelin and it shouldn’t be hard. Well I don’t but I didn’t want you to know. I just nodded my head and said I’ll do my best. Then I went through my closet and I started to cry. Not cause I had nothing, but because I thought that if you knew it you would not want me at all. Just on the grander scheme of things. I’m good at faking other interests but sometimes I feel I’m being failed by my own inadequacy. And someone should have taught me all of life’s good party themes sooner. So I could get prepared and just at least own a jacket or a bandana or something. I could have bought it but it would have looked too much that way.

“photo or canvas prints” by Julia on her couch


Thursday, September 12, 2013
1:33am
5 minutes
from a photography brochure

I think because I bought them for him for his birthday, Al thought he needed to use all the canvases up in one week just to show me that he was appreciative of the gift. Truth is, I didn’t know what else to get him. Everyone else, it seemed, was giving in to all his childhood desires and making sure he was spoiled rotten. Video games, and movies, a couple baseball hats. I didn’t even buy one thing for the kid, just showed up to Amy’s house on Saturday afternoon, early enough that there were still pork sliders left, and watched what he was getting. Then I slipped out of the party kind of sneakily I suppose, and I went back home to my garage. I was thinking about giving him some of my old ones, but when I saw how discoloured they were, I thought, no, I can’t give those to my nephew for his birthday, it wouldn’t be right. So I took myself to the art supply shop and bought him some brand spanking new canvases, two brushes, and a variety paint set. Hell, I didn’t even know if the kid was artistic or not, but I sure as hell didn’t want to be like everyone else keeping him inside and cooped up just so he wouldn’t bother any body. Turns out he likes to paint.

The wall at Ezra’s Pound (photo dip) by Sasha at Ezra’s Pound on Dundas by Julia at her kitchen table


Thursday, August 22, 2013
12:48am
5 minutes
IMG_5424
Ezra’s Pound on Dundas

I asked for a mixer on my tenth birthday because I was convinced I was going to be the “cupcake girl” and that everyone would invite me to their birthday parties because they knew that I’d be bringing the best dessert. And even if they didn’t like me, they would never exclude me. I thought this. I guess I figured it would be like Alicia who gave twenty dollar bills in fancy singing cards to anyone who invited her to come. Her parents owned a vineyard in Italy or something. I was good at baking.

Then I turned ten, and I got the mixer, and I planned every person in my grade’s cupcakes, and I even prepared some things preemptively depending on the month and the theme I assumed they’d be using. I wasn’t invited to a single party. I was confused about how my fail proof plan to cater my peers’ birthday parties could go so awry. It was a sad year. I gained 19 pounds the first month.

“Summer block party.” By Julia at z-teca


Sunday, November 11, 2012 at z-teca
6:08pm
5 minutes
The front page of Metro Weekend
November 9-11, 2012


Dancing to reggae beats, come my little lady let’s beat this heat
You’re at my barbecue and I’m done grilling you,
are you single do you want to be my boo?
Okay, great, that was easy–my name is Mark and I’m not sleazy, I really like you, wind is breezy, blowing my love at you if you feelin’ me
I invited these folks so you would come over and play–I’m just gonna say it, it’s the day of all days,
You’re the hottest thing here, I wanted to give you praise, but you think this is a joke and we might go separate ways.
I started thinking about you during the summer block party last year
I am shocked that of my attraction you never did hear
I tell all the guys, I tell everyone, I’m dying to see you in your bikini in the sun.
You are a shining ray, my god girl this is fate, your body is a magnet and I positively can’t wait.
Get it? I didn’t take science
all I know is there’s no silence
In my brain and in my pants
I’m trying to give you a mental lap dance.
You look like you’re enjoying…
all these vibes I’m been employing.
Summer block party, yup.