the fortifiers of human agency” by Julia in her bed

Tuesday March 27, 2018
11:14pm
5 minutes
On Being

Things may have escalated. My alarm clock now tells me how shitty I’m being for sleeping. Not sleeping in, but being tired. Labels as the chimes go off: don’t waste your potential! Get thee to the yoga mat! I should be thanking night me for trying to kick morning me in the ass for some good quality productivity but I do not listen to myself. I’m the only one who can fortify my own agency and yet, snooze, sorry, tomorrow. My mind craves structure and my body craves cuddles. Nobody wins here. Nobody wins, and somebody should since it’s all just me playing me against me playing me. Nothing is real! Getting up early is not real! Wishing I didn’t wonder where the hours go is not real!

“Done and done!” by Julia on the 45 going north


Friday, April 24, 2015
8:28am
5 minutes
from a Facebook post

I said May 1st and I said that to myself, my boyfriend, my therapist, and my roommate’s dog. I told so many people I was waiting for May 1st it felt like I had to uphold the expectation. I have never been good at starting something in the middle of the month, or the week, or basically any time that doesn’t fall on the very first day of something. Usually months. I’m great at starting things at the beginnings of months. So I made a list, with lots of columns and categories. I wanted to be able to check things off and keep on task from that moment forward. No more waiting for the next month. It would have to be this beginning and not the one after. Some of the things on there were: Start Exercising Daily (as of May 1st), Try to call my mom once a week, Ask for help (starting May 1st), Stop Apologizing for my opinions, Refrain from buying dollar store chocolate, Stop waiting for the new month to get my life together, Work on false promises (even in list format), Eat more apples, No more feeling sorry for myself.

“a wonderful future beckoned and winked” by Julia on her bed


Thursday March 5, 2015
11:59pm
5 minutes
The Fig Tree
Sylvia Plath


“I’m ready for something bigger.” I took a deep gulp of air and I said that to myself. I did. I was, in that moment, feeling very existential. I wanted to know things about myself. I realized I wanted to enjoy my own abilities instead of waiting, forever waiting, for someone else to tell me that they enjoy them. “How is that living?” I exhaled and I said that to myself. “How is it?” If I might, I’d like to paint the scene for you so perhaps you’d see how silly it is too.
You wake up, you dread enjoying your own gifts because you’re afraid someone else might disagree with you or have an opinion about what you’ve made. You make a bowl of quick oats and banana, and you tell yourself internally how bad you are for wanting to spend time doing the things that bring you joy and amusement and pleasure. You clean the dishes and you imagine a world where there is applause for you, but you see it as its own entity and not attached to the doing. Then you put on your jeans and you notice that you don’t ever see the part where you’re actually enjoying your own ability. You can’t envision the perfect happiness that comes from simply doing that thing, and you can’t fathom for even a split second what the feeling of truly expressing and connecting would mean for you.
So you throw on your winter scarf and head out of the house to once again avoid doing what you know your heart bleeds for.
Bizarre, isn’t it?

“get started” by Sasha on her porch


Sunday August 24, 2014
12:03am
5 minutes
Semperviva pamphlet

All you need to get started is willingness.
All you need to get started is an open heart.
All you need to get started is breath.
All you need to get started are angel wings.
All you need to get started is a bellybutton.
All you need to get started is a mother that sings to you.
All you need to get started is a charcoal pencil.
All you need to get started is a bottle of water.
All you need to get started is the sunrise.
All you need to get started is a lover who knows how to touch and how to let go.
All you need to get started is a beating heart.
All you need to get started is a sweater from Newfoundland.
All you need to get started is the desire to evolve.
All you need to get started is an invitation.



Here it is.
Here.
Here.
Here.

“Do you have what it takes” by Julia at Gertrude Park


Sunday June 22, 2014
2:48pm
5 minutes
from an email

This was something I’d asked myself already today. Already this morning, and again this afternoon, if I’m being honest. I’m trying to be honest, I guess that’s the whole point in asking that same question over and over again. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? And when I answer I look myself right in the eye (you know mirrors were invented for self-motivation? Look it up, I swear) and I answer, in that moment, in that second, YES, NO, or DAMN STRAIGHT. Sometimes, being honest is the hardest thing because you have to look deep inside yourself and assess every single thing that’s going on with you, that makes you feel good, that makes you feel bad, and really truly dissect if you’re happy, and willing, and ready, and able. You know? Like all of those things have to add up to the proper sum and if they don’t, well, hey, at least you know the truth. At least you’re not faking it for anyone else and the lie that you tell will come back to bite you in the dreams. I know this from experience. I live out my truths while I’m awake, so I don’t have to deal with the lies I tell myself when I’m asleep. It’s worked, so far, and that’s why I ask the question. It’s not even specific. I just know in every moment, every second, what it is I’m wondering about and if I have what it takes to do it.

“you’re obliged to keep living” by Julia at a park in Charleston


Thursday April 23, 2014
4:29pm
5 minutes
Locked In To Life
Mark Brazaitis


Keep pushing, keep moving, keep trying trying trying.
Don’t believe you’re stupid. Don’t believe that because nobody believes that and you don’t want to give them any new ideas about it.
Keep.
Pushing.
Yeah, it’s hard.
And yeah there will be lots of crying.
(With you, there’s always lots of crying. Get used to it.)
And there will be lots of laughing.
(With you, there’s always more laughing than crying. See?)
But there will be no regrets.
You don’t have time for those.
You don’t even have enough time to call your mother.
Or send that postcard to your boyfriend.
Or apologize to your inner person for being so damn-self-deprecating on a daily basis.
You don’t have time for that stuff.
So you most certainly do not have time to wish you did it differently.
The universe can be cruel.
I know that. You know that. Everybody knows that.
But it can also be kind.
So be a little nicer.
Be a little less quick to place the blame.
Be a little less okay with believing you’re mediocre.
Even when you forget how to spell “Disappointment” without an electronic device correcting you.
And even when you convince yourself you can’t do simple math in your head when trying to tip the server.
Be a little more confident.
Because you’re here.
Because you’ve made it this far and because if you didn’t want to be alive, you just wouldn’t be.

“cut your hair” by Julia at her desk


Wednesday, May 29, 2013
12:06am
5 minutes
the ARTS Section of the Globe and Mail
Saturday May 25th edition


She had asked him nicely if he would do it for her. She didn’t anticipate he’d put up much of a fight, what with her long black spider lashes and big doe eyes. She didn’t even care if his hair was shorter. She mainly just wanted to see if he would oblige her. Samson and Delilah, she thought to herself. She could get a grown man to cry, let alone inspire him to cut his hair. That was the easiest thing she had tried to do all day. She had a natural gift for undoing the done up and unwinding the wound. She wasn’t trying to be manipulative. No. Not at all! What she wanted was the instant gratification of succeeding in an otherwise unsuccessful situation; to add notches to her ego belt; to come out as the most influential partner in this…well….loving relationship.

“The time is auspicious” by Julia on the 94 going east


Wednesday, January 2, 2013
4:02pm
5 minutes
Radio Drama
David Mamet


Perfect for baking, for calling a loved one, for telling a loved one you’re baking and that, yes, you love them.
All these things.
Can we do it?
Can we make it right?
Of course, we will, we must, of course we will.
We. What a healthy dose of you and me, a split line divided straight down the middle: half will pay for the child’s college fund, half will make sure a roof over the child’s head is had.
We WILL. WE. WE. Will we?
We wait a little bit, between yesterday and NOW. when there is nothing to worry about except breathing in the thoughtful sounds of our peaceful minds. The thoughtful holiday of our brains relaxing on the beach and sipping a pina colada in the middle of January. Blueberries in January. Frozen tulips in January. We keep them in the fridge!
HA!
WE. WE DO. We do. WE. We. Do We?
perfect timing, all good things will come. When all things are done being done, they will be something else…
A dream?
NO!
A reality!
We stop ourselves right before the moment says it’s over. We do this because we’re scared of art. We’re scared of taking all of our clothes off, swimming in the lake IN JANUARY, and being wrong.
How could we be wrong!
We do what we do what we will what we will what we can what we can what we can