Thursday November 6, 2014
Vedge by Rich Landau and Kate Jacoby
You have to take your hat off to the French. You really do. Those women manage to remain thin as a pussy-willow whilst eating all that butter and cheese! And those men? So fashionable. When I was in Paris for my year abroad in college, I was just struck by the beautiful nature of that entire people! You really have to hand it to them. And so stylish! Sipping their Cafe Au Lait and eating their Crepes! Good grief. If only we took a page out of their book, you know? Here we are, nasty Americans, drinking Coors Lite and eating Big Macs, while the French roll cigarettes and wear capris! I should’ve been born there. I’m really a black sheep here, I always have been. I should go back. Would you like to go?! We could go together! Let’s see if there’s a seat sale! There’s a seat sale! Okay. When are you free? January? Paris in January is probably absolutely breathtaking. I can’t imagine that they get very much snow… More of a dusting, a sprinkling…
Wednesday September 17, 2014 at Great Dane Coffee
Availiardi Dizionario Italiano-Inglese
You keep asking me what I wanna be for Halloween and I’m all, “It’s more than a month away! I have no idea!” And you’re all, “You should be a sexy lumberjack!” And I’m all, “What the fuck?”
Sometimes there’s nothing to say and we’re eating cereal and staring into our bowls like they are Crystal balls with all the answers.
“You should be a witch!”
Should I be offended by that, you guys??!
I’m sitting on the toilet, trying to dig my Diva Cup out of my cooch and it’s like a fucking terrible birdsong – “What do you want to be for Halloween?” Sung, by you, tone-deaf, to the tune of Nobody Solves A Problem Like Maria. I’m all, “What?!” And you’re all, “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens! Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens! Brown paper packages tied up with strings!” And I’m all, “Are these… costume ideas?! WTF!”
Tuesday July 15, 2014
from a scrap paper
Lady at the counter said she saw me slip the lipchap into my bag and I told her, I said, no that wasn’t me, I don’t steal. And she cocked her head to the side all judgy and she said that she knew what she saw and that liars are the worst kind of thieves. I said, no, maybe you need glasses or something, but it wasn’t me, and i didn’t do what you think you saw me do. So I tried to walk out because this lady was just sitting there acting all tough, and trying to intimidate me. And then, the next thing I know, she’s got her hand on my shoulder and she’s firmly pressing in. I was like, look lady, I don’t want any trouble. And she said, well if you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me search your bag. And I hated her even more then because it wasn’t her right to do that, and I knew it. But I didn’t want her to win, so I threw my bag onto the ground. Make her work for it, I thought. Make that damn lady bend over and throw her back out just trying to prove a point. Teach her something today, maybe. Then she grabs my bag and dumps it on the ground. Just everything comes pouring out and I’m standing there hunched over, watching all my stuff fly. I know it’s in here, she said while she emptied it. I know I saw you put the damn thing in.
Monday, April 15, 2013
From a quote by Mark Twain
Apparently if you throw in a half damp sock into the dryer with a bunch of your already wrinkled clothes, and leave everythin’ in there for at least 20 minutes or somethin’, it makes everythin’ when you take it out come all nice and smooth. No wrinkles. So I’m plannin’ to try this today but I don’t know if I’ll have time, what with Jerry’s mother comin’ to visit us. She needs the casserole dish to be perfectly situated on the table, I need to get us a table cloth or the woman will not sit down, and there has to be enough house plants all over in case she wants to ash somewhere while she’s standin’. So. I won’t have much time to do all the other domestics I said to myself I was goin’ to do. Jerry’s mother is a real house Lady. She knows how everythin’ is supposed to go, and why. But she ain’t have no patience when it comes to dust so I’ve been scrubbin’ every surface around here since last Tuesday, just in case the woman gets out some plastic gloves and tries to run some tests or investigation in my livin’ room. I suppose she has a point, cleanliness, health, all that. But she still comin’ into my house so I have to make sure I have enough chocolate covered digestives just to calm me down!