Monday July 30, 2018
from @a_belovedgreen on Instagram
It’s raining somewhere that isn’t here.
Somewhere deep and mysterious and easy
to get to but not here because here it
is not raining. Some us of are praying
for rain, and some of us are praying at
the alter of the sun god shining, staying
up, warming our bones, illuminating all
the things we might rather go on not
seeing. And isn’t that a risk in of itself?
And yet some of us are worshiping. Some of
us really like the truth. It is a day of
reckoning when all is lit up like a beacon
of hope or desire or loud. It is a Monday
for lovers of the light and lovers of the
afternoon. I am happy loving this seminal
summer from the inside out. Hazy sky and
all, blurred lines and everything. The
colour of my new skin would tell you that.
I am out there chewing ice cubes, singing
thank you through my teeth
Sunday July 22, 2018
Under The Skin
Because he was good
Because he was kind
Because he was thoughtful
Because he was sweet
Because he was playful
Because he was funny
Because he was grateful
Because he was honest
Because he was forgiving
Because he was generous
Because he was happy
Because he was smart
Because he was curious
Because he was willing
Because he was respectful
Because he was adventurous
Because he was unique
Because he was listening
Because he was trying
Because he was athletic
Because he was vulnerable
Because he was hard working
Because he was loved
Because he was love
Because he was true
Because he was different
Because he was strong
Because he was light
Because he was committed
Because he was disciplined
Because he was musical
Because he was mine
Because he was real
Saturday July 7, 2018
A quote by Thomas Berry
I can’t believe it’s come to this.
One million years and counting.
Or I was.
Maybe you aren’t anymore?
I never wanted to admit that I have been less
but I have been less
Less than I wanted to be
Less than you needed
We were building on the good ship lollipop
sailing somewhere together
on the open sea of hope and do betters
We were doing better
Perhaps this solo journey I’ve been taking at the same time has interfered
Whisked me away to the clouds and dreaming
Pushed me further into myself to question why anything was where it was
Why these lungs here?
Why this pull on my rib cage?
I thought I was busy finding myself but I was busy losing you
Caught asking too many questions in the good room
When you are in the good room, you are not supposed to ask questions.
It might jinx things.
It might put a hex on the whole damn house.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
A quote by Eleanor Roosevelt
We can walk into the mouth of our lover with gratitude
and compassion or wake up on the wrong side of the bed
with a vengeance that travels in heat, and ready.
I remember this when I am late to the day after a long
night of bad decisions and I am too ashamed to greet you
in your half way done morning, specific goals set, etc.
I come out with a new tail tucked between my legs and you
stop your structure and stretch out your arms to me,
welcoming, grateful. You say how lucky you are and you
say it with skin and smile before words leave your lips.
I remember this when you are late to the day and I am
awake before you and running and weaving and juicing
and you come to me with the same openness but my first
instinct is to keep running, make you catch up, make
you feel bad. We can walk into the mouth of our lover
with gratitude and patience if we remember how important
time spent gazing at each other really is. We can choose
this in the morning, at night, and in the afternoon. You
do this and you teach me. I thank whoever is in charge
that you do not dole out grades to match the student.
Saturday May 5, 2018
Get a screen protector on my phone so the nosy Nancy sitting beside me on the bus stops staring into my life.
Stop judging me Nancy!
Find a banana box to keep my banana from mushing against the inside of my bag.
Find less sexual ways to describe the messes I make.
Thank her with coffee and flowers and an invitation. Don’t forget. She’s a good one.
Keep saying yes until I have to say no. Then say no.
Hound the right people. Be a presence. Bark up the tree and stay there.
Walk before everyone else wakes up. Smell the pine. Breathe the solitude in like a reward.
Stop waiting for the wrong hearts to do right by me.
Ascend gradually. Adjust to new heights. Don’t look down.
Saturday April 7, 2018
Megan Fennya Jones
Some audiences don’t snap for poems about joy
if the joy is coming out of certain bodies
You could say you love your body and they will
say that it’s because you never had to struggle
You could say you like yourself and they will
wait for the moment before when you didn’t
I have been grateful in front of the wrong people
Gave my full heart and let the light open the room
and still it was not the right place for it
it did not compare with all of the other sadness
Makes you wonder sometimes if you have enough
pain to even be a poet
if you have enough of anything at all
If you want to sing the love song for your loved song
you will have to wait until there’s a
space in the programming
You can’t try to be joyful after someone else has wept
it will make you look like you’re bragging
like you’re the enemy
and some audiences will call you undeserving
of a ten
Tuesday February 13, 2018
Teachable Moment, 1986
you were the one who first told me about the freckle
on the inside of my bum cheek and I didn’t even
know it was there
I want to thank you now in retrospect for looking
as close at the inside of my bum cheek as you did
For looking as close at the inside of my chest
even when I couldn’t be happy for your happiness
or when I chose silence over words even though
you knew I knew words better
I want to thank you now for noticing then the trilion
tiny specks of me
the good the bad, the ugly ugly ugly
You were so patient until your patience bit
and when it did it took out a deep chunk
You always knew where to sink your teeth in
but that was your reward for paying such perfect
You told me once that my tongue whipping down your
throat was not sexy and I didn’t have the thought
to tell you then that I was holding tightly
to a thread that held your head close to mine
And I was not anything close to ready
to letting it go in case you went with it
One day I opened my fingers and you went with it
but I thank you now
Sunday January 14, 2018
Even the sunny days get fogged out. You think you won’t be able to see the water but you can if you get close enough. You can let yourself go even if your first tongue tells you there is no point. It will help if you can remember how you thanked yesterday’s sky for being so pink. How you smiled up at the setting sun and let joy in. How you walked through a purple path of damp earth and felt alive from every tingling limb. How you felt loved. How you thought of your mother coming to Canada for the first time. How she was taught this same beautiful word in the form of a new friend’s dress. How she’ll never forget how perfect purple is and how you won’t now either. Yes, there are moments of blame. And then some following of disappointment. But they are small. And they don’t have to be the day.
Tuesday January 2, 2018 at Democracy*
A letter from Health Insurance BC
We’ve been adding up since Sunday
counting blessings and good attitudes, bending each finger down until they’re nimble. I followed suit when you started: Thanked the room for witnessing us at our finest, clapped out loud at the light on my lips. I do what you do. I love the way you show me. A laughter on fire. A please. A thank you, thank you, Amen. I use the good paper to prove it. I write your influence onto lists of things to remember. Things to know. I know how much it costs for me to want you. I keep my big bills like I’m saving up for the perfect leather jacket.
Monday November 6, 2017
From an email
I talk about my day sometimes only to you!
I write you stories of my deep shell quaking
do not know that so many
things are true
and then you do know cause I tell you
cause some days I do not lie a lick
I try but I still can’t
I talk about my day only to you
and I love our little secret
I love so much this meeting place of
ours that we met at in our dreams
I’m glad I tell you
cause when you tell me
it is so sweet.
Why put other words in place of everything real
I’ve ever felt
in everything real I have never been able
you see the inside of some of my inside’s
And thank you
Sunday September 17, 2017
from the NOW Magazine cover
As I ran up the hill my legs squeaked against the three safety pins holding my jacket at a more attractive length. The tie in the centre prevented my legs from ever breaking free into a proper run. I noticed how ill equipped I was to have left my home-the air a little too fresh, my braless chest dressed in a pajama top, my eyes, bloodshot, unsure.
I also realized I should not be leaving you.
After the flood,
I ran back, the sunset turning my decision into a b movie, stopping at the entrance way mirror to fix my hair.
I used the wrong key to get into our unit, adding to the squeeze
eventually we held each other over the simmering sauce-you charmed by my timing
four minutes until ready
Wednesday May 24, 2017
It’s easy to forget just how equal machine
and magic kiss up my body
Some nights the moon falls before
I can get a handle on things
and I make plans to trash the guest room
I am visiting
I muck my feet on the welcome mat
and crack a bottle of beer
right next to the bathtub and I don’t
say thank you to the steam
because the steam is simply doing its job
I don’t say thank you to the clean when it
shouldn’t be hard to scrub
Some nights I remember to notice
that my body is fighting to protect me
and silence is sometimes softer
Thursday April 13, 2017
From a Way of the Heart info sheet
we show up to life sometimes jaded
sometimes living in the ordinary world
after living somewhere else with better windows
our windows here are covered in fingerprints
and year old messages birthed from
a New Year’s resolution
that we were too afraid to erase
our windows are as guarded as our hearts
which is to say
we haven’t drawn the blinds in ages
to exist in this place where
the sun rises each morning
no matter how shy
and sets each evening
no matter how bright
we must become fluent in gratitude
thank the stars for breathing us into belief
thank our mothers for smiling love into our bones
thank our fathers for being fathers when they could have been
thank our health for holding us
thank our souls in this life
for reminding us why we chose each other
in the first place
Friday March 3, 2017
I can’t believe this is happening. I really, truly didn’t think I would ever live to see this day. I am touched and honoured and humbled by this moment. Truly. I am in shock. I have a lot of people I need to thank: my sister for bringing me my own clothes every week and for reading to me while I couldn’t do much else but lay there. I want to thank my brother for driving into town instead of going on his honey moon. Thank you, that was very meaningful to me and I will never forget it. I want to thank my doctors. Without you, I would still be thinking this was all in vain. I owe you much more than gratitude. Thank you for enstilling a faith in me I thought had been snuffed out. I want to thank my friends for writing to me. Your letters kept me lifted and I will respond to every last one down to the line, I can promise you that. I’m sorry, I’m just-this is inconceivable. It feels like moments ago…and also like a dream.
Sunday January 15, 2017
Since waking I have been making all sorts of lists
Things to do
What to eat
When to do them
How to eat it
All the tiny boxes either checked or unchecked
Waiting or finished
Day’s beginning turning into day’s middle then day’s end before the joints become lubricated enough to sustain it all
Since waking I have been making all sorts of lists
Who to write to
What my dreams were
What my dreams meant
Who I want to be today
Who I plan to be today
Who I end up being today
I have not scheduled in silence
I have expected all to come when necessary
I have not promised to love myself in case I can’t quite get to it
I meant to reduce tasks and expectations and heartbreak and time travel of any kind
But I keep adding to the list without breathing first info what it feels like to be alive on a perfect day of perfect opportunity to give thanks
Saturday January 14, 2016
Overheard at Sweet Cherubim
I am in love with the way your skin stretches over machine
and keeps your bones warm
I am moved by your seeing spots and your seen spots and your perceived spots.
I like the way your muscles know just how to come into use without being used to embarrass your flesh.
I fully endorse the sounds you make that sound like happiness and the ones you make that sound like pain.
I am in love with your stomach solving problems and storing information in the most organized of ways.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
from a recipe in Cowichan Bay
I could live off of shrimp only and maybe some garlic. I really could. I could live off of a lot of things that seem simple like that. I could live off of sunsets and matchsticks. I could live off of olive oil and crusty bread. I could live off of my mother’s laugh and my father’s silly singing. I could live off of silent walks to the beach and quiet crying by the ocean. I could live off of his kisses and his squeezes and his eyebrow scar and his banjo playing. I could live off of people watching and star gazing. I could live off of understanding and connecting. I could live off of summer’s heat and throwing a baseball. I could live off of burgundy pens and graph paper. I could live off of peaches and hot peppers. I could live off of magic and synchronicity. I could live off of curiosity and fresh basil. I could live off of truth-speaking and patio writing. I could live off of my belly soft and my lucid dreams. I could live off of the perfect yawn and the perfect hug.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj
I have this idea one snowy morning memory clouded but it feels like a good one so I let myself wake up to it. I’m not quite ready for my life. This idea is supposed to help. I want to make a list of all the things I’m saying goodbye to, or goodbye for. I have made a lot of lists about saying hello or, a bunch of arbitrary ‘shoulds’ chosen from the parts of my body that don’t get enough of my positive attention. This one is different. It’s a goodbye list but not for negative things or habits or hurts or harms. It’s all about harnessing inner truth and guidance. I want to be ready for my life.
Someone close to me once told me that we need to thank our enemies. Enemies can mean anything, so I like to think of them as hard bits that have been let in at one time or another, but will be sent off in a joyful way. I think these are the things that go on a goodbye list when I am toasting to all the bad things that have ever grown me shaped me helped me shown me.
Sunday November 9, 2014
from a bar sign near Bologna Centrale
Thankful for the coffee you buy from the tiny shop at the bottom of the hill
Thankful for the DVD’s you rent from the library about New Orleans
Thankful for your squishy face
Thankful for blue sky and sun
Thankful for bravery and leaps
Thankful for the fireplace
Thankful for the best omelettes
Thankful for repetition
Thankful for evolution
Thankful for what I don’t understand (TERRYBELL VIDEOLOTTERY) and that that leads me to gratitude
Thankful for public transportation
Thankful for golden beets
Thankful for fluidity of self (what we choose is who we are?)
Thankful for the internet
Thankful for the ability for mass consciousness to shift
Thankful for books
Thankful for lentils
Thankful for those that make us laugh
Thankful for those that tell the truth
Thursday March 20, 2014
The opening credits of a TV show
I want to switch the order of the credits
Not that that kind of thing really matters
It doesn’t to you
It does to me
But I hide it
Like an unswept onion skin
Under the stove
I want to switch the order of the credits
Not that credit is even relevant
You deserve as much credit
In what I make as
Because if you’re doing the dishes
And buying toilet paper
And folding my underwear into tiny perfect triangles
Crafting lines and curls into words that I pretend I’ve made up
I want to switch the order of these credits
Because I don’t make anything alone
The couch helps me by holding me when I’m tired
The water quenches my insatiable thirst
The streetcar gets me there
Takes me home
The brown rice fuels me
You hold my face when I want to quit
And tell me it will be wonderful
You paint the walls of the world
And smile when I snap
Thursday May 2, 2013 at Starbucks
SickKids special section in the Toronto Star
To fix those hearts, what a lovely little sentiment
To go further than you thought you could with only smiles and contentment
What a world what a world please and thank you what a world
There’s some good left to be done, what a true and honest one, to go into schools with non verbal cues and make them feel like they’re loved a ton
What a world what a world please and thank you thank you what a world
To be easy and free to let go of all the weight to forgive and forget, to be early with kindness, never late
What a world what a world please and please and thank you what a world
To be true and free, to be you without me, hugging tight, letting go of night
And knowing that right here right now is right
What a world what a world please and thank you thank you thank you what a world
Wednesday, January 2, 2013 at Cafe Novo
The time is auspicious, isn’t it? 2013… Okay. Thirteen has never struck me as anything other than lucky, but I tend to lean towards shameless positivism. Ann Shulgin says: “How do I stop being afraid? Know that there is no safety anywhere. There never was and there never will be. Stop looking for it. Live with a fierce intent to waste nothing of yourself or life.” I’ve learned this by heart, repeating it now for the last four and three quarter minutes, whispering under my breath. The bearded gentlemen beside me regards me with caution and squinted eyes. This is divine inspiration, this is the mantra, this is truth and knowledge and everything in between! How can I be whispering! I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, a lot about what to let go of, what is holding me back, about the unknown that is yet to come. I return again and again to what I know – I am beyond blessed. I am living my dream. I am deeply happy. I return again and again to what I don’t know – everything else.