“At the end of the day” by Julia at her desk

Monday November 6, 2017
11:32pm
5 minutes
From an email

I talk about my day sometimes only to you!
I write you stories of my deep shell quaking
and you
do not know that so many
things are true
and then you do know cause I tell you
cause some days I do not lie a lick
I try but I still can’t

I talk about my day only to you
and I love our little secret
I love so much this meeting place of
ours that we met at in our dreams
I’m glad I tell you
cause when you tell me
it is so sweet.

Why put other words in place of everything real
I’ve ever felt
in everything real I have never been able
to articulate
you see the inside of some of my inside’s
biggest fears

And thank you

“After the Flood” by Julia in her bed

Sunday September 17, 2017
10:36pm
5 minutes
from the NOW Magazine cover

As I ran up the hill my legs squeaked against the three safety pins holding my jacket at a more attractive length. The tie in the centre prevented my legs from ever breaking free into a proper run. I noticed how ill equipped I was to have left my home-the air a little too fresh, my braless chest dressed in a pajama top, my eyes, bloodshot, unsure.
I also realized I should not be leaving you.
After the flood,
I ran back, the sunset turning my decision into a b movie, stopping at the entrance way mirror to fix my hair.
I used the wrong key to get into our unit, adding to the squeeze
eventually we held each other over the simmering sauce-you charmed by my timing
four minutes until ready

“ungratefulness” By Julia at her desk


Wednesday May 24, 2017
12:07am
5 minutes
English
Amber O’Reilly


It’s easy to forget just how equal machine
and magic kiss up my body
Some nights the moon falls before
I can get a handle on things
and I make plans to trash the guest room
I am visiting
I muck my feet on the welcome mat
and crack a bottle of beer
right next to the bathtub and I don’t
say thank you to the steam
because the steam is simply doing its job
I don’t say thank you to the clean when it
shouldn’t be hard to scrub
Some nights I remember to notice
that my body is fighting to protect me
and silence is sometimes softer
than compliments

“living in the ordinary world” by Julia at her desk


Thursday April 13, 2017
8:58am
5 minutes
From a Way of the Heart info sheet

we show up to life sometimes jaded
sometimes living in the ordinary world
after living somewhere else with better windows
our windows here are covered in fingerprints
and year old messages birthed from
a New Year’s resolution
that we were too afraid to erase
our windows are as guarded as our hearts
which is to say
we haven’t drawn the blinds in ages
to exist in this place where
the sun rises each morning
no matter how shy
and sets each evening
no matter how bright
we must become fluent in gratitude
thank the stars for breathing us into belief
thank our mothers for smiling love into our bones
thank our fathers for being fathers when they could have been
anything else
thank our health for holding us
thank our souls in this life
for reminding us why we chose each other
in the first place

“winners are allowed acceptance speeches” By Julia at her desk


Friday March 3, 2017
9:11pm
5 minutes
http://www.filmfreeway.com

I can’t believe this is happening. I really, truly didn’t think I would ever live to see this day. I am touched and honoured and humbled by this moment. Truly. I am in shock. I have a lot of people I need to thank: my sister for bringing me my own clothes every week and for reading to me while I couldn’t do much else but lay there. I want to thank my brother for driving into town instead of going on his honey moon. Thank you, that was very meaningful to me and I will never forget it. I want to thank my doctors. Without you, I would still be thinking this was all in vain. I owe you much more than gratitude. Thank you for enstilling a faith in me I thought had been snuffed out. I want to thank my friends for writing to me. Your letters kept me lifted and I will respond to every last one down to the line, I can promise you that. I’m sorry, I’m just-this is inconceivable. It feels like moments ago…and also like a dream.

“A failure to be my best self” by Julia on her bed


Sunday January 15, 2017
12:32pm
5 minutes
Becoming Wise
Krista Tippett


Since waking I have been making all sorts of lists
Things to do
What to eat
When to do them
How to eat it
All the tiny boxes either checked or unchecked
Waiting or finished
Day’s beginning turning into day’s middle then day’s end before the joints become lubricated enough to sustain it all
Since waking I have been making all sorts of lists
Who to write to
What my dreams were
What my dreams meant
Who I want to be today
Who I plan to be today
Who I end up being today
I have not scheduled in silence
Or stillness
Or sunshine
I have expected all to come when necessary
When called
When unavoidable
I have not promised to love myself in case I can’t quite get to it
I meant to reduce tasks and expectations and heartbreak and time travel of any kind
But I keep adding to the list without breathing first info what it feels like to be alive on a perfect day of perfect opportunity to give thanks

“Would you like to try?” by Julia on the reading chair


Saturday January 14, 2016
9:21pm
5 minutes
Overheard at Sweet Cherubim

I am in love with the way your skin stretches over machine
and keeps your bones warm
I am moved by your seeing spots and your seen spots and your perceived spots.
I like the way your muscles know just how to come into use without being used to embarrass your flesh.
I fully endorse the sounds you make that sound like happiness and the ones you make that sound like pain.
I am in love with your stomach solving problems and storing information in the most organized of ways.

“Shrimp only” by Julia at her dining table


Tuesday, March 29, 2016
2:43pm
5 minutes
from a recipe in Cowichan Bay

I could live off of shrimp only and maybe some garlic. I really could. I could live off of a lot of things that seem simple like that. I could live off of sunsets and matchsticks. I could live off of olive oil and crusty bread. I could live off of my mother’s laugh and my father’s silly singing. I could live off of silent walks to the beach and quiet crying by the ocean. I could live off of his kisses and his squeezes and his eyebrow scar and his banjo playing. I could live off of people watching and star gazing. I could live off of understanding and connecting. I could live off of summer’s heat and throwing a baseball. I could live off of burgundy pens and graph paper. I could live off of peaches and hot peppers. I could live off of magic and synchronicity. I could live off of curiosity and fresh basil. I could live off of truth-speaking and patio writing. I could live off of my belly soft and my lucid dreams. I could live off of the perfect yawn and the perfect hug.

“Let’s have a toast to our goodbyes” by Julia in on her couch


Thursday, January 14, 2016
6:53pm
5 minutes
I’m Out
Ciara feat. Nicki Minaj


I have this idea one snowy morning memory clouded but it feels like a good one so I let myself wake up to it. I’m not quite ready for my life. This idea is supposed to help. I want to make a list of all the things I’m saying goodbye to, or goodbye for. I have made a lot of lists about saying hello or, a bunch of arbitrary ‘shoulds’ chosen from the parts of my body that don’t get enough of my positive attention. This one is different. It’s a goodbye list but not for negative things or habits or hurts or harms. It’s all about harnessing inner truth and guidance. I want to be ready for my life.
Someone close to me once told me that we need to thank our enemies. Enemies can mean anything, so I like to think of them as hard bits that have been let in at one time or another, but will be sent off in a joyful way. I think these are the things that go on a goodbye list when I am toasting to all the bad things that have ever grown me shaped me helped me shown me.

“TERRYBELL VIDEOLOTTERY” by Sasha on the bus


Sunday November 9, 2014
7:13pm
5 minutes
from a bar sign near Bologna Centrale

Thankful for the coffee you buy from the tiny shop at the bottom of the hill
Thankful for the DVD’s you rent from the library about New Orleans
Thankful for your squishy face
Thankful for blue sky and sun
Thankful for bravery and leaps
Thankful for the fireplace
Thankful for the best omelettes
Thankful for repetition
Thankful for evolution
Thankful for what I don’t understand (TERRYBELL VIDEOLOTTERY) and that that leads me to gratitude
Thankful for public transportation
Thankful for golden beets
Thankful for fluidity of self (what we choose is who we are?)
Thankful for the internet
Thankful for the ability for mass consciousness to shift
Thankful for books
Thankful for lentils
Thankful for those that make us laugh
Thankful for those that tell the truth

“guest starring” by Sasha at her kitchen table


Thursday March 20, 2014
9:19pm
5 minutes
The opening credits of a TV show

I want to switch the order of the credits
Not that that kind of thing really matters
Well
At least
It doesn’t to you
It does to me
A little
But I hide it
Like an unswept onion skin
Under the stove

I want to switch the order of the credits
Not that credit is even relevant
You deserve as much credit
In what I make as
I do
Because if you’re doing the dishes
And buying toilet paper
And folding my underwear into tiny perfect triangles
I am
Writing
I am
Crafting lines and curls into words that I pretend I’ve made up

I want to switch the order of these credits
Because I don’t make anything alone
The couch helps me by holding me when I’m tired
The water quenches my insatiable thirst
The streetcar gets me there
And
Takes me home
The brown rice fuels me
You
You
You hold my face when I want to quit
And tell me it will be wonderful
You paint the walls of the world
And smile when I snap

“to fix those hearts” by Julia at Starbucks


Thursday May 2, 2013 at Starbucks
12:25pm
5 minutes
SickKids special section in the Toronto Star

To fix those hearts, what a lovely little sentiment
To go further than you thought you could with only smiles and contentment
What a world what a world please and thank you what a world
There’s some good left to be done, what a true and honest one, to go into schools with non verbal cues and make them feel like they’re loved a ton
What a world what a world please and thank you thank you what a world
To be easy and free to let go of all the weight to forgive and forget, to be early with kindness, never late
What a world what a world please and please and thank you what a world
To be true and free, to be you without me, hugging tight, letting go of night
And knowing that right here right now is right
What a world what a world please and thank you thank you thank you what a world

“The time is auspicious” by Sasha at Cafe Novo


Wednesday, January 2, 2013 at Cafe Novo
2:53pm
5 minutes
Radio Drama
David Mamet


The time is auspicious, isn’t it? 2013… Okay. Thirteen has never struck me as anything other than lucky, but I tend to lean towards shameless positivism. Ann Shulgin says: “How do I stop being afraid? Know that there is no safety anywhere. There never was and there never will be. Stop looking for it. Live with a fierce intent to waste nothing of yourself or life.” I’ve learned this by heart, repeating it now for the last four and three quarter minutes, whispering under my breath. The bearded gentlemen beside me regards me with caution and squinted eyes. This is divine inspiration, this is the mantra, this is truth and knowledge and everything in between! How can I be whispering! I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, a lot about what to let go of, what is holding me back, about the unknown that is yet to come. I return again and again to what I know – I am beyond blessed. I am living my dream. I am deeply happy. I return again and again to what I don’t know – everything else.