Monday, July 13, 2015
In The Boom Boom Room
As soon as you meet someone do you add them on Facebook?
No. Nope. I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
Do you follow more celebrities or real people on Twitter?
Celebrities aren’t real?
I think real people? But I’m not really sure. I do enjoy Amy Schumer’s tweets a lot.
I don’t do Twitter. I’m too much of a rambler.
Oh. I see.
Are you an only child?
Only children are sometimes… selfish.
I’m not –
I’m not saying that you are. Studies show that –
Look. I feel like you’re interviewing me! This is… weird!
Sorry. I’ve been on three hundred and sixty nine dates this year –
Yes. That means some double date days –
I know what I’m looking for.
I know what I want –
I can see that…
Tuesday March 31, 2015
He looks at the menu and isn’t sure what to make of anything – the symbols are jumbled, there are red peppers dancing in the corners, the numbers are the words is the address are the burrito toppings!
“Please excuse me, I’m just going to go to the bathroom.” He stands before she can say, “Of course,” and he’s through the door with a moustache and a sombrero before she can have another sip of her margarita. He gazes into his own eyes, something he doesn’t recommend usually, but this evening is different. He rubs at his forehead – trying to scratch off the five letters scrawled across it. He sees a flash of Polly, hair short, eyes glinting. “You need to get lost right now, honey! I’m on a date!” W-I-D-O-W. He washes his face. He goes into the stall and sits on the closed toilet. The tears come faster than he’s ever felt and before he can blow his nose, the sombrero door is open. “Oliver? Are you alright?” He sits straight up. “This is the, uh, men’s room! I think you chose the wrong door!” “It’s me, it’s Jillian…” He stands, takes a deep breath and opens the door.
Saturday February 14, 2015
An explanation from the 506 TTC driver
Toby walks in the door and no one looks but he thinks they do. That kind of everyday simple delusion. That kind of heartbeat. He sits near the front of the place, where he can keep an eye on comings and goings. He looks sideways, out the corner of his right eye, where the colours start to fade from real to imaginary. He sees Charles before he’s come in. He’s pulling his scarf tighter around his neck. He’s putting his hands in his pockets.
“I like your scarf. That’s a nice shade of red.”
“Would you like a beer?”
“I’m not drinking this month. I’ll have a cranberry juice, though?”
“I’ll get it for you – ”
“I don’t mind – ”
“Please, I’d love to. It would be my pleasure.”
Charles’ sister had set them up. “He’s intelligent! He’s quirky! He’s got square glasses!” She’d sold Toby well, like a lollypop from a remote island or a new kind of fighting fish in the pet store. Charles was reluctant, only because he’d had his heart broken seven years ago.
Tuesday April 8, 2014 at Cherry Bomb Coffee
Freeing Shakespeare’s Voice
Well, here we are. You’re taller than you looked in your picture. And your beard! I like it! You look… rugged. More rugged than in your picture… I mean, your picture is good, I could tell you put effort in but… How long have you been on Plenty of Fish? I’m new to it. I’m new to all of this actually. I’m married. I mean, I was married. I’m… separated. And you should also know that my husband, my ex-husband, excuse me, we, we still share a house. It’s complicated because we have a business together? We work out of our kitchen. We make chocolate. We make chocolate bars. Fair trade. They’re, like, the best. ChocoLove. Have you heard of us? They carry our product mostly in health food stores but we’re in talks with Lawblaws to get in there too. But keep that on the DL. Chris would kill me if he knew I’d told you. Do you want one? I always carry a bar or two in my bag, for moments like this. When someone isn’t familiar with our product, you know? I have Caramel Crunch and 75% Dark? He knows I’m here. He knows I’m dating… Chris, my husband, ex-husband, shit, I really need to stop doing that. He knows. He actually encouraged me to go on one of those sites… My sister-in-law, God! My ex-sister-in-law, she met her partner Liz on LavaLife. There’s a lot of inspiring stories.
Wednesday March 19, 2014
Kinfolk Issue Eleven
He orders a pizza and I’m like, “Cool. Ok. Casual…” And then it arrives and there’s pineapple and I’m like, “Who even eats Hawaiian anymore? Who even does that?” And it’s weird that he doesn’t have a couch… or a coffee table… or… Any furniture but a blow up mattress that’s, like, leaking air, so it perpetually sounds like someone is farting. But then! Then, he gets paper plates from a drawer and I’m like, “What?!” What the eff, you know? So, I pick off the pineapple and he’s like, “Sorry, I shoulda asked…” And I’m like, “No worries! It’s cool!” And then, after dinner, he starts, like, bunny-humping me, cuz’ we’re sitting on the farting bed, right, like there’s no other place to friggen sit! And I’m like, “Slow down,” and he’s like, “Yeah? You like it slow?” And I’m like, “Yeah?” And he’s like, jack-hammering me with his bony hips and he’s all, “You like that? You like that?” And I’m like, “Not really!?”