“Our self-centred fears whisper at us all day” by Julia on the 19

Monday March 4, 2019
5 minutes
Hallelujah Anyway
Anne Lamott

It’s one of those probing kind of voices
The one that gets in your head and lingers
Untucking sheets from bed frames
Lingering in the corner with the spiders too quick to spot
What if they’re looking at me
Laughing at me
Mad at me
Sorry for me
What if they’re all one team and I have no one left to pick to stand behind me
Pulse pulse throb throb
The echo alone enough to flip your eyelids inside out
No sleep for the talked about
No rest for the worrying
Everyone seems to have their own personal list, monogrammed into every towel meant for coming clean
The secrets etched in the base of our skulls tend to burrow into those silky memories
stripping them grey

“he lowered the drink onto the table,” by Julia at New Waves

Tuesday September 18, 2018
5 minutes
Candy Cap Magic
Jocelyn Kuang

It’s a shot to the knee
not the heart
The heart would stop
The knee would keep screaming
What are you supposed to do without your knee?
Get good at reading
Get good at writing at the bar with another beer
another beer
You’re never going to be better than this
pour another
keep your tab open
a shot to the liver to
keep the knee from reminding you it’s there
Bring a book and black out all the lines that have you in them
turn the pages into a diary of the wasted major organs
the wasted time and delusions
all those prayers to the wrong god
all that for nothing
When they tell you you’re meant to be more
it’ll be too late
Tilt your head back and chase the bottom of the glass
You would lick it clean if your tongue were long enough
If you were good at something
The knee isn’t dead
the heart is sick
the throat is never dry

“Get used to me.” by Julia at her desk

Tuesday June 12, 2018
5 minutes
From a quote by Muhammad Ali

Thanks for the epiphany, timer.
I guess I’ll tell you about it?
Got only five minutes.
Better not f u c k i t u p.
Better not waste my time.
I haven’t impressed you.
I know this now, this very now.
I know it like it’s the first time.
I haven’t impressed you because I haven’t broken out of my skin.
You call me baby, call me potential in the same breath.
Hug my heart into beating the speed you believe in.
Lift me all the way over your head.
Step back to see where I will leap.
Watch where I will land.
If I’ll fly all the way there or if I’ll launch.
And then I sit back down on the easy steps.
And you have to get your hopes back down from the shelf you put them on.
I haven’t impressed you because I haven’t said yes to the sky.
Better not f.u.c.k.i.t.u.p.
All this wasted time.
All this almost decade for absolutely nothing.
Nothing new.
Nothing nothing.

“sky turned red then erased” by Julia on her couch

Thursday November 17, 2016
5 minutes
Ellie Sawatsky

I wanted him to touch me on my thigh but he started talking to me right in the middle of me really wanting him to and then he turned me to stone. And I was lucky. Because I wouldn’t have really wanted to if he didn’t really want to but you can’t not want to…not to try a little. It was a passing moment. I don’t think the thigh would really get me afterall. I don’t know if anywhere would do the trick so I can’t be upset. I dont blame him. I am mostly lost on most days.

    “We’ve never found the evidence” by Julia at her dining table

    Sunday May 29, 2016
    5 minutes
    Thunder Head
    Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child

    According to Elliot, Sharon was supposed to be coming home from work at exactly 5:06pm. We had, according to Elliot, up until 5:00pm to do what we needed to do, and get out before anyone noticed a thing. I told Elliot I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through her things. I didn’t know if I might find some troubling things that I would only realize too late in the game that I wasn’t equipped to deal with what I learned. Elliot told me not to be afraid of the unknown. He said that’s what was making me so paranoid in the first place, and either I suck it up, go in there and be an adult about this, or I could go home and live the rest of my life wondering if I was being lied to. He had a point.
    “You sure your sister won’t be home before 5:00?” I asked one last time, secretly hoping he’d say no.
    “Marcus, my brother. please,” Elliot started, “Why would I lead you astray? You really don’t trust anybody do you?”
    As I was about to check myself for being so caught up in the what ifs, we heard a car pull into the drive way.

    “Anytime, night or day” by Julia at her dining table

    Saturday May 28, 2016
    5 minutes
    All I Have To Do Is Dream
    The Everly Brothers

    Call me mouth filled with peach cobbler
    I’ll come running
    Call me curlers in, kettle on the stove screaming
    I’ll be there
    Call me moments before sleep
    Or moments right after
    Call me as my dreams play on
    As my body drifts off to stillness
    And I’ll throw on a pair of jeans and show up
    Call me when you’re high
    Call me when you’re low
    When you know you’re wrong
    When you need someone to tell you you’re right
    When you want to laugh
    When you need to cry
    When you don’t have a reason at all
    I’ll drop what I’m doing to make time
    Call me when it’s my fault
    Call me when it’s yours
    Call me to tell me your crazy dream
    Your biggest fear
    Your funniest joke
    Your most embarrassing moment
    Your favourite recipe
    Your new discoveries
    Your life hacks
    Your revelations
    Your promises to me
    Your promises to yourself
    And I’ll come running
    I’ll find a way to meet you
    Because I know
    Without a doubt
    You would do the same for me

    “OH MY GOD” by Julia at her desk

    Tuesday, August 11, 2015
    5 minutes
    Overheard on Gerrard St.

    I’ve been the praying type before! Not really so much now, but before? MY GOD.
    HAHA. That was a joke. But in all seriousness, I used to write letters to Jesus. I used to pray asking him for guidance and protection against my nightmares, my fears, my flaws. I had to ask for so much forgiveness just because I couldn’t keep my 11 year old head on straight enough to stop “accidentally” watching the Sunday Night Sex Show, or finding my mom’s electric nail buffer and “accidentally” using it to explore all of my “sacred” places. I said I was sorry at least 15 times a day, followed by a promise that I would be better next time and not do it ever again. I got good at making promises I couldn’t keep.

    “And she put her arms around me,” by Julia on her couch

    Tuesday, July 7, 2015
    5 minutes
    A Complicated Kindness
    Miriam Toews

    My mother hates to see me cry. She doesn’t hate to offer me money, or sneak a 50 in my coat pocket when she thinks I’m not looking, even though she knows those exact things will make me cry, but when I start with the tears, it breaks her abundant heart. She doesn’t want to make me feel bad. She just wants to love me. But I feel bad because I’m self-hating and dramatic, and I cause trouble where there doesn’t need to be. She wishes I could see me how she sees me and that only means so much since I’m her baby and she’d look at me and see Mother Theresa even if I burned an entire nursery school with the children still in it to the ground. I know this because when I told her I had deep, steadfast, secret thoughts about poisoning Auntie Ellis because she scolded me in public one time, she put her arms around me and she squeezed me with so much love that I started to cry. Then she wiped my face with her kisses and said, “I would want to do the same thing if I were you.”

    “Kiss me quick dear” by Julia at her desk

    Saturday, July 4, 2015
    5 minutes
    From the back of a postcard

    Kiss me quick dear
    before this feeling disappears dear
    before the urge to have you is gone before the magic of this spell is worn
    kiss me quick dear
    before someone else comes in dear
    before we’re caught in the heat of the moment
    before we’re made to feel aware
    kiss me quick dear
    before the lilacs bloom dear
    before the lilacs die before the lilacs are picked
    kiss me quick dear
    before the water boils over dear
    before stillness turns into something we can’t turn back

    “9AM-6PM” by Julia at her desk

    Wednesday May 20, 2015
    5 minutes
    from a parking sign

    That’s when I’m awake and dreaming about being so much better.
    Wishing I had taken out the trash.
    Wishing I had eaten breakfast on the back porch.
    Wishing I had cleaned my house last night so I could wake up with it ready.
    That’s when I spend time thinking about what food I could eat.
    How excited I’ll get when I plan a delicious feast.
    But really just eat pickled eggplant and chili bean paste from the jar.
    And call that a proper meal.
    All day.
    From 9AM-6PM when the rest of the world is out there making a living.
    I’m in here thinking about how one day I’ll be making a living.
    Instead of making a living now.
    Instead of living now.
    But there are other dreams too.
    Of how tomorrow will be filled with positive and productive and persistent.
    How if I can just get through this day.

    “Knowing they can’t touch us” by Julia at her desk

    Monday May 11, 2015
    5 minutes
    Breathe Easy
    Rachel Sermanni

    I called out to an old friend who had come back into my life recently. I called out to her while she still had one foot in my world and one out the door. I wanted her to hear everything before she left.
    She turned her head slowly, with an expectant look in her eyes. She could see right through me like I was made of glass. She knew I was in need of her and the way things used to be. Maybe she was in need of me and the way things used to be too. It’s as if in that moment of time-stopping-fears-cast-aside-light-warming-honest-connecting we were transported back to the place where the rain poured everywhere except for directly on us. We were untouchable then and I wanted that again. If not for us, than for me. She was back and here for only moments, maybe not even. She held that daisy chain limp in her hand as if she knew time was a thing one of us imagined some hot afternoon in July.