Sunday November 15, 2015
from the Union Gospel Mission calendar
Karen sat patiently by the phone willing it to ring and wishing that it had already. She had, earlier that week, applied to be a member of Neighbourhood Watch and was told that all successful applicants would be contacted by Friday at the very latest. Karen didn’t have anything else particularly pressing to do since she fell ill two months back. She wanted to fill her time with meaningful activities since she wasn’t fit enough to return to the grocery store. Emirel said she might have overextended herself there anyway, coming into help stack and pack when she wasn’t even scheduled to work. Karen wanted to do something other than tend to the plants she had been growing in her laundry room. She didn’t think she’d have a very strong harvest the first time around, especially because she had been relying on various youtube videos to teach her how to grow a crop of marijuana properly. Karen got bored easily. She wanted to have at least two things to watch, if she could help it.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
A tweet by the Globe and Mail
She licks her lips. Dry. Unsure of what exactly to do, she ponders a glass of water, but she doesn’t arise to get one. She wonders if she’s horny, but the thought of finding non-offensive porn to masturbate to feels like an undertaking she’s not ready for. Is this boredom? “I’ve never felt bored,” she hears her own voice echo as if in the Bat Cave at the Museum. Oh, those were the days. Her stomach grumbles and she thinks about something she read once about how people become obese because they can’t tell the difference between boredom and hunger. Shit. She opens the sliding door and let’s a breeze wash over her like rain. She closes her eyes.
Wednesday February 25, 2015 at the Perth/Dupont Library
Betty and Veronica Double Digest
The Archie Library 215
We had a ton of little games we used to play when we were kids: See how many fingers you could fit in your mouth, how far you could shove a twisted piece of facial tissue up your nose before sneezing, see who could sneeze the most in a row after that twisted piece of facial tissue was stuck up there, how many times you could belt out the national anthem while you did a number two. We’d come up with the weirdest shit and we would be so willing to complete every single thing. How many bubbles could you blow with your gum in the nude while you got wrapped up in a towel, how many bubbles could you blow with your gum before you got unwrapped from your towel? How many spoons of cinnamon could you keep in your mouth without spitting it everywhere. You’d think we didn’t have one single toy, one single book. Where we came up with these crazy ideas, I will never know.
Friday October 18, 2013 at Cafe Pamenar
The PACT Conference 2007 Keynote Speech
According to Zara’s research, and by research I mean her general observations of random people in her German class, she had concluded that most people with problems concentrating were not merely under-stimulated, but boring individuals. Zara’s mother used to say, There is no such thing as boredom! Look around you. Don’t you see a world of opportunity? Then she would pass out and drop her half-full wine glass onto the rug and stain a new section of the living room, creating a beautiful array of disappointment and tactless parenting. Of course, people who drink in excess, were never bored, Zara speculated. How could one with so much fear of living in reality ever be bored? She meant it as sarcastic judgement at first and then re-evaluated. Maybe drinkers weren’t truly bored… but scared. Maybe the two didn’t go hand in hand after all. Zara watched her mother drape herself across the lounge chair she made her father buy her three summers ago when it got “too hot to stand”.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
The Origin Of Consciousness in The Breakdown of The Bicameral Mind
My mother gave me an organic throat lozenge because she thought I sounded hoarse. I told her her it’s because I tell at loud bars that think they’re concerts and that I haven’t been sleeping because I’ve been anxious about my job interview on Friday and also about dying you g.
So I took one to shut her up and keep her from worrying that I needed more than she could give. Then I turned around and she had basically already wrapped the entire tin with a pretty ribbon and told me to take them home with me because she could get more if she needed to. I’ve always had to feign inadequacy because that brings her joy–to know she’s helping her kid who can’t get her shit together without the constant guidance and hell from her loving and bored mother. She’s been staying at home lately, nursing a broken collar bone so she needs to help me more than I really need to be helped, but whatever, she’s sweet and it would hurt her to be more capable and less doomed than I’ve been. So I took the lozenges after the usual decline, and she looked pretty happy about it.
Sunday February 3, 2013
Not Wanted on the Voyage
It’s been 18 minutes and 34 seconds. And counting. And wasting. 19 minutes that I’ve been on hold. Do people even wait this long anymore? The terrible music is on loop, it’s blurry, and for the love of god, it’s starting to grow on me. I don’t feel like dancing yet, but for crying out loud, I think I’ve gone crazy cause I’m not too far off. Every time it stops, I think a real human being is going to join me on the phone and engage in this problem that I’ve been so desperately trying to resolve. I’ve been patient, oh have I. I put it on speaker phone. Best damn idea I’ve ever had. Hands free. Still able to peruse the interweb, which, I’ll have you know, is exciting when there’s the thrill of someone interrupting. Not like that. Just retail stores online, that’s all I’m saying. Wouldn’t mind checking out Macy’s. Wouldn’t mind telling my brother to let me spend some of his cash points on a new scarf or something. I even managed to do a load of laundry. Now that’s commitment! I wonder if people are just hanging out across the telephone wires with their co-workers, just sort of keeping me on the line cause they know I’ll wait. Hell, I haven’t hung up yet. I get worried that they’re over there playing Strip Poker or Gin Rummy or, you know, I think about Twister! Are they all twisted up, half naked and tangled, smoking cigars and just having the times of their lives while I sit here surfing online trying to keep myself from dancing to this horrible music? I suppose I could get the pasta water boiling. Emmet said he’d be home soon, but I bet not before I die of boredom.