“How could she comprehend what it was like” by Sasha at her counter

Tuesday December 5, 2017
9:19pm
5 minutes
Super Sad True Love Story
Gary Shteyngart

Irving wishes he didn’t like porn so much. He wishes he washed his hands after he shat. He wishes he could distract himself from the mundane bullshit hurt of his mother, Gladys. He’s an only child, and he wishes he wasn’t. Irving has a lot of wishes. Don’t we all.

Gladys calls Irving and bitches about his father. Irving imagines the porn he watched this morning. A threesome. His favourite. Gladys said, “Are you even listening to me?” Irving said, “Yeah yeah yeah”. Gladys said that Irving is just like his father, an asshole, a bloody fucking asshole.

“How could she comprehend what it was like” by Julia on her couch

Tuesday December 5, 2017
4:42pm
5 minutes
Super Sad True Love Story
Gary Shteyngart

The oven keeps setting off the fire alarm.
Somebody (you) spilled cheese and forgot to
clean it up. You told me it wasn’t you.
I don’t really eat cheese.
Every time we take something out of there,
even if it’s a slice of bread at 350 for
2 minutes, the smoke gets the yelling
started.
I want to tell you to clean up your mess
but I am afraid you will tell me that
there isn’t anything to clean. I hate being
right about you.

The stove keeps setting off the fire alarm.
Somebody (me) left a penne noodle underneath
the burner and refused to take it out.
I told you it wasn’t on purpose. It was.
One day I discovered that if you leave a
penne noddle close to the burner but not in
a pan, it will cook it crispy enough to eat.
Everytime we boil water the smoke gets the
screaming started.
I want to tell you to take out the battery
but I’m afraid it might be too easy to
burn the whole place down with you in it
if you do.