Thursday September 6, 2012
You’re mad at me because I’ve spent more time with the Doritos Sweet Chilli Heat chips than I have with you and you claim it’s been “forever” since we’ve cuddled. You’re dramatic, I’m hungry, I still love you, but right now I’m hungry. That’s all. I think that’s a simple sort of way that humans function and it just so happens that these chips are the only thing keeping me from swatting you right across the face, so please don’t come any closer because I don’t know how strong they actually are. I’m sorry if you feel neglected or inferior to my chips. I’m sorry mostly, though, that we’re even having this conversation and that you honestly think you come second place to my salty/spicy cravings.
I’m breathing or “sighing” as you call it, again, just like normal people do, and you’re getting very paranoid that I am “sighing” because I’m thinking about another girl. I’m not. I’m thinking about another bag of chips. But I can’t tell you that because you’ll just think I’m using it as a scapegoat so I don’t have to truly admit that I’m not thinking about you. Which is TRUE. I can’t eat your flesh and then lick my fingers after. What I can do, is wait till I’ve eaten the whole bag, then put the spices that have all congealed on my fingertips on my tongue and just let them freaking dissolve there.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Oprah Magazine
Remember the story about Jonah and the whale? The one where a whale allegedly swallows a human and then that same human manages to survive inside him and then meet a woman who’s also been swallowed by the same human-swallowing whale, and then they make love on the mushy floors of the whale’s lower intestine and raise a beautiful whale-housed family that have incredible talents–such as rock climbing, breath holding, and the ability to…well…survive and flourish in the belly of a whale?
Okay so maybe that’s not exactly what happened, but let’s say it did. Or better yet, let’s say that some people actually believe something like this (because that’s just what the literalism of the bible has done to this world). Now imagine that the story, which if I’m not mistaken, is about relying on the power of God to save you even when shit gets really outrageous and unbelievable, was a way to craft the religious people’s minds in order to test them. If they believe it, then maybe they’re not worth saving…
But if they don’t, then mayb—
I’m sorry? Oh. Inhale. I thought you said in whale.